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Jewish World Review May 24, 2004 / 4 Sivan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Norma's Restaurant in Manhattan introduced the world's first thousand-dollar omelet Monday. It's no secret what makes it so expensive. It's made from six eggs, one lobster, ten ounces of caviar and two gallons of Chevron Unleaded Supreme.

Greece assured Olympic officials Friday the facilities will be ready in time for the Summer Games in August. It seems slipshod. Last week they invited Smarty Jones to Athens, not for the opening ceremony but to help glue the stadium together.

Major League Baseball owners met on Wednesday to discuss where to move the Montreal Expos. Each contender has a problem. Washington D.C. is too close to Baltimore and Portland is too close to Seattle, while Las Vegas is too close to Man's Basic Nature.

Rodney Dangerfield just wrote a book called "It's not Easy Being Me." (Click HERE to purchase. Sales help fund JWR.) This guy is indestructible. The last time Rodney had the flu, his doctor asked him if he was coughing up much and he admitted spending eight hundred dollars for a hooker.

Vermont became the ninth state to allow medical marijuana Wednesday. It's too late to help some Vermonters. If Howard Dean had been allowed to smoke medical marijuana to ease the pain of his loss in Iowa, he would have been screaming for Hostess Twinkies.

Jerry Springer was named a delegate to the Democratic Convention. His TV show instigates fights between hillbillies and adulterers and welfare queens. The poor guy, the whole idea of going to a convention is to get away from your daily routine.

John Kerry said Wednesday Americans want a U.S. president who understands their value system. This is a man who understands value. He knows you can always spot the widow at a funeral in the Hamptons because she's the one in the black tennis outfit.

NBC News said Iraqi prisoner photos caused nationwide shock. Americans think the punishment should fit the crime. We believe Martha Stewart should spend the next two-to-four years keeping Tony Randall's gravesite tidy and neat.

Martha Stewart fireplace matches were recalled by Kmart Friday because they pose a fire hazard. Her show was just canceled and she goes to prison in a few weeks. Astrologers looking at her charts all agree that her moon is in a real sling.

NBC agreed to broadcast National Hockey League games and pay zero dollars for the rights. Sports agents are horrified. The only way this deal could be more humiliating for the league would be if the penalty box were tended by the guards from Abu Ghraib Prison.

Sammy Sosa wrenched his back on Monday while trying to suppress a sneeze. It was much worse in the old days. Twenty-five years ago, suppressing a sneeze would have gotten a player ostracized by players and fans alike for hoarding his cocaine.

John Kerry met with Ralph Nader Wednesday after he spoke with Howard Dean on Monday. He complimented Dennis Kucinich Tuesday. John Kerry is the kind of guy who only watches A&E and it must have been Everybody Loves a Nut week on Biography.

Iraqis say U.S. helicopters fired on a wedding party in Western Iraq Wednesday, but the U.S. said it was a safe house for foreign fighters. The blue ribbon panel is already assembling and we know their first question. Who caught the suicide belt?

Rudy Giuliani was heckled mercilessly by World Trade Center victims' family members at the 9-11 hearings in New York Wednesday. It was a very emotional day. People got all choked up when Rudy said that it's okay to give each other the finger again.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton