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Jewish World Review May 10, 2004 / 19 Iyar, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | The U.S. Senate agreed Thursday to release all records obtained in its probe of steroid use by athletes including ballplayers. Reaction was swift. Martha Stewart instinctively called her broker and ordered him to dump all her Barry Bonds.

Krispy Kreme lowered its profits forecast Friday. The company cited declining sales due to the Atkins Diet craze sweeping the nation. Doughnuts only sell well in Los Angeles, where they do land office business by advertising the holes as carb-free.

The Cannes Film Festival is set to begin Wednesday in France. This is a huge showcase for moviemakers. For two weeks, the French seaside resort will be the world capital of flattery, greed and insincerity, and then it returns to Los Angeles.

Barbara Walters interviewed Teresa Heinz Kerry Friday on ABC's 20/20. Reports have surfaced that liberals are suffering buyer's remorse about John Kerry. It's hard for Democrats to rally around a guy whose economic plan is to find a rich wife.

Hillary Clinton gave a long speech and asked a short question of Don Rumsfeld at Friday's hearings. She knows how much worse it could have been. For all the stupid things her husband ever did, at least he had the sense not to take photographs.

Chevron stations in Beverly Hills and West Hollywood raised gasoline prices to three dollars a gallon on Thursday, setting a new all-time high record price. Everybody in Beverly Hills had the same reaction. We are torturing the wrong Arabs.

Hollywood directors protested a new DVD player on sale at Wal-Mart Friday. It cuts out sex and violence scenes. It seems like an unnecessary expense when your cable provider will gladly add the Aquarium Channel for another ten dollars a month.

Major League Baseball reversed course Thursday and canceled plans to promote movies with ads on the bases. Naming rights were next. In the seventh game of the World Series, picture the winning run rounding Coors and sliding safely into Bandini.

Bobby Kennedy Jr. spoke to a star-packed audience in Brentwood Thursday. His relatives are urging him to run for office. Someone has to be the family guinea pig and find out how much a Kennedy can get away with in the post-Kobe Bryant era.

John Kerry spoke to California teachers on Thursday to promote his education policy. He insulted them by calling for a crackdown on incompetent teachers right to their faces. He will never forgive California teachers for siding with the Viet Cong.

John Kerry reassured the business community Thursday that he's an entrepreneurial Democrat, not a redistributionist Democrat. He wants them to know he's not some Bolshevik who believes in sharing the wealth. It's exactly how he proposed to Teresa.

NBC News on Thursday showed newly-found photos of naked Arab men bound together and humiliated. Not all the pictures were taken in Iraq. Unfortunately, no senator would ever admit recognizing the waiting room at the Midnight Bunny Ranch in Nevada.

The Food and Drug Administration refused Thursday to allow the over-the-counter sale of morning-after birth control pills. They are for women. The pills only work for women because generally speaking, men are nowhere to be found the morning after.

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