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Jewish World Review May 4, 2004 / 13 Iyar, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | National Football League draftees reported to orientation camps last week to start preparing for their first season. The rookies have to hit the books right away. They aren't ready to play until they know the marijuana laws in every NFL city.

Los Angeles fried in triple-digit temperatures during a record-shattering heat wave over the weekend. It posed a theological puzzlement for every preacher in the San Fernando Valley. How can we go to hell for shutting down porno production?

Michael Jackson was charged in Santa Barbara Friday with child molesting and conspiracy. Everyone's starting to wonder if he's a flight risk. Michael Jackson sent his shirts out to be dry- cleaned Saturday and the laundry demanded cash up front.

Dick Cheney raised six hundred thousand dollars at a Republican Party banquet in Milwaukee Friday. The all-time one- night record for one dinner is five hundred million dollars. That was the night John Kerry proposed to Teresa Heinz.

May Day was used by workers worldwide Saturday to press demands for stronger labor laws. The holiday marks the day when the Russian people stormed the Czar's palace and looted the place because he was an enemy of workers' rights. The event is re-enacted every year on the morning after Thanksgiving at Wal-Mart.

Bill Clinton's memoirs, it was announced Thursday, will have a first printing of a million and a half copies. His presidency will be remembered by historians for one thing. Viagra went from accidental discovery to FDA approval in just one seven-day trial offer.

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