Thursday

July 7th, 2022

Insight

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Argus Hamilton

By Argus Hamilton

Published April 19, 2022

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report
Modern Health advised college students to exercise a half hour daily to begin a lifetime of health and wellness. In college I began walking thirty minutes a night. It took me five minutes to walk to the bars on Campus Corner and twenty-five minutes to walk back home, and the difference is staggering

The White House praised American companies like Coca-Cola and Netflix and McDonalds's for cutting their business ties with Russia. In addition this week, in response to the war, Porn Hub has cut off Russia. That means you can still order a Russian bride but she no longer comes with instructions.

Elon Musk seized headlines Thursday by offering Twitter shareholders fifty-four billion dollars in cash to buy up all the stock in Twitter and open the platform to free speech. Gosh, with that kind of money, Twitter board members won't have to censor the voices they don't like. They can hire hit men.

Elon Musk's bid to buy Twitter could result in free speech for both liberals and conservatives and create unrestricted verbal violence on social media. He's also planning a manned mission to Mars. Say what you want about Elon, but I think we can all agree he's the most creative serial killer of all time.

Facebook's CEO Mark Zuckerberg expressed opposition to Elon Musk buying Twitter. He'd like to keep the monopoly on public discourse to himself. The difference between Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg is, one is a human trying to conquer Mars and the other is an alien trying to conquer Earth.

The CIA expressed fears Thursday that Vladimir Putin could resort to tactical battlefield nuclear weapons if he gets stalled in Ukraine. The dictator is not a normal person. When you're dealing with Vladimir Putin, you have to remember you're dealing with a guy whose favorite movie comedy is Bambi.

Russia abandoned its army campaigns in central Ukraine for a thrust to the East as well as from the sea. It's become apparent that Vladimir Putin possesses some true wonder weapons in Russia's Black Sea fleet. On Thursday Putin's flagship Moskva instantly turned from battleship into a submarine.

The NYPD tracked the alleged subway shooter to the city's Lower East Side Wednesday. He was at a McDonald's. Employees said it was easy for him to blend in there because he had the exact same angry psychotic look that most of the customers have when they're told the ice cream machine is broken.

Reagan shooter John Hinckley recruited his social media followers to sell out a New York club Tuesday to hear him sing songs he composed while in the mental hospital. We all wish him well. I sent him a note of congratulations, and passed along the news that Dr. Fauci is dating Jodie Foster.

GET ARGUS' DAILY SMILES to your inbox. Sign up for the JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

The White House praised U.S. companies McDonald's, Coca-Cola and Netflix for halting business inside Russia. Porn Hub announces it is cutting Russia off all porn movies. That's too bad because Lift Nozzle and Begin Pumping has just been nominated for Biggest Screwing at the Adult Film Awards.

Jackie Robinson was honored in the U.S. Capitol on the 75th anniversary of his integrating Major League Baseball. What a ceremony. It doubled the number of statues in the Rotunda because when it was revealed that Jackie was a lifelong Republican and Nixon supporter, the Democrats turned to stone.

President Biden in his speech in Iowa this week promised Americans that adding ethanol to auto fuel will lower gas prices by ten cents per gallon. Biden has got to be seen trying something. Gasoline prices in the United States are so high, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard had to carpool to court Tuesday.

President Biden said international courts will determine if Putin is a war criminal while Russians want Biden in court as well. Russian subscribers filed a suit against Netflix for cutting them off since they invaded Ukraine. They demanded over seven hundred thousand dollars and a return of The Office.

New York police captured the subway shooter Frank James Wednesday after he was spotted at McDonald's. An African American, he posted videos spewing offensive insults at blacks, Latinos, Asians, whites, gays and women. He could spend the next five-to-ten years hosting the Academy Awards.

New York police tracked down and arrested the Brooklyn subway shooter in less than a day Wednesday amid media frenzy. Detectives reports he fired thirty-three times into a subway car in an Asian neighborhood but wounded just five people. This guy would have been no help at Guadalcanal.

New York Mayor Eric Adams said subway shooter Frank James' motives were unknown when his posts clearly reveal racial hate. Now cops are looking for any booby traps he left behind. New Yorkers were warned to be on the lookout for any suspicious packages and not just during the Miss New York Pageant.

President Biden was applauded in an Iowa ethanol plant Tuesday when he removed restrictions on ethanol-mixed fuel for motor vehicles. The corn-based alcohol has long been a government subsidized solution for gas shortages. Ethanol is what you get when corn is mixed with your tax dollars.

President Biden spoke in Iowa when a bird flying overhead relieved himself and the mess landed on the president's shoulder. I think the bird mistook him for a statue. Considering the price of gasoline and food and the fact that he was in Iowa, I'd say the president should be grateful that cows can't fly.

Rio de Janeiro newspapers report that Brazil's government just supplied the Brazilian army with thirty-five thousand Viagra pills. Believe it or not, the little blue pills have their place in modern government administration. Economists who take Viagra are the first to say that a little inflation is good.

Fox News reports that Russian troops and weapons are heading toward Eastern Ukraine having been repelled by the Ukrainians from taking Kiev. The Russian army's legend of invincibility has been shot to hell. When the war is over, will NATO be asking to join Ukraine? It would be a serious upgrade.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced she tested positive for coronavirus last week, prompting fears for President Biden's health, as she'd kissed him on the cheek Tuesday. However, the president was never in any danger of infection. Even Covid doesn't want to be seen photographed with Joe Biden.

(COMMENT, BELOW)

=

Columnists

Toons

Lifestyles