July 7th, 2022


Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Argus Hamilton

By Argus Hamilton

Published April 4, 2022

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report
The White House announced that in late May it will stop automatically returning captured illegal immigrants at the border due to Covid concerns. I propose we have a contest offering U.S. citizenship to illegal immigrants who track down sex offenders trying to enter the U.S. We'll call it Aliens vs. Predators.

Bruce Willis gave a statement saying he must retire from acting in the movies, which saddened all friends in Hollywood who love Bruce's talent, personality and humor. It was explained that he has aphasia, which hinders comprehension and speech. So he could still enjoy 4-8 years in the White House.

The Motion Picture Academy officials met to determine whether or not to sanction Will Smith for slapping Chris Rock at the Academy Awards Sunday. You want to know how stupid actors are? Just minutes after Smith committed physical assault, the Academy handed him a twenty-pound blunt object.

O.J. Simpson weighed in on the infamous Academy Awards slapping and cursing debacle Sunday and said Will Smith had no reason to leap to his wife's defense like that. The entire town agreed. It shows you how nuts L.A. has gotten when O.J. Simpson is now the voice of reason in spousal relationships.

President Biden ripped oil companies for refusing to drill on leases to keep prices up. Oil prices have skyrocketed since Joe's punishing sanctions on Russia doubled oil prices, making the Russians drunk on oil money. It's the same way Joe used to discipline Hunter to keep him from ever doing drugs.

Hunter Biden's laptop video is being probed by a grand jury for evidence of Biden family graft in China and Ukraine. It shows him in bed doing cocaine, sex and drinking with strippers. If we only had cell phone cameras back in the late Seventies, I'd have the proof to sue Hunter Biden for stealing my act.

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President Biden went on TV to ask Congress for billions more for the extra booster shots that the CDC just approved. While on camera he rolled up his sleeve to get his second booster shot, with the entire country rooting for him to stay well. Joe was SO smart to make Kamala Harris America's Plan B.

Dr. Anthony Fauci said Americans might soon return to Covid restrictions to guard against the sub-variants. However, he's lost all his leverage. If you were to give Americans a choice between World War III and returning to Covid restrictions, the results would be really bad news for environmentalists.

President Biden refused to walk back three gaffes in Europe about U.S. policy, sparking concerns about his mentality but not his comedy. I too am always certain and seldom right. Biden rallied the world on Monday when he declared that Putin is a butcher, for G od's sake, he cannot remain Best Actor.

National Geographic reported that archaeologists digging at the ancient Egyptian city of Thebes have unearthed the lost city of Luxor. In other antiquity news, a skull was found in Romania that has both human and Neanderthal qualities. Scientists think it could be the oldest Cleveland Browns fan.

The Motion Picture Academy Board of Governors are weighing sanctions against Will Smith for snapping at the Oscars, rushing up onstage and assaulting Chris Rock over a joke about his wife. The good news is, Will just signed to star in a new action movie with Alec Baldwin. It's called Slap Shot.

Will Smith's wife Jada Pinkett Smith last year admitted on Facebook she's having an affair with her son's best friend, humiliating Will. They then announced they have an open marriage. Jada was so pleased with Will for standing up for her honor at the Oscars, she let him watch for the next three nights.

Academy Awards officials revealed Wednesday that security was told to remove Will Smith from the theater after his slap and vulgar outburst. However he refused to leave. To calm Smith down and cool him off, minutes later he was called onstage and everybody gave him a miniature statue of his wife.

Daily Variety reports Chris Rock's stand-up comedy shows are sold out all weekend following his assault by Will Smith at the Oscars. It'd be a waste of time to press charges. Chris was the victim of physical assault committed on TV in front of a billion witnesses or, as L.A. juries call it, reasonable doubt.