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Jewish World Review April 19, 2021 Rogue Report By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
US News and World Report's survey named Canada the world's best country in quality of life, per capita income and opportunity, with the U.S. number five. It's so humbling. For decades the United States has been the World's Only Superpower, but look at us today, we're Canada's Mexicans.
• The Supreme Court debate led CNN to liken today's High Court to the KKK Thursday. That is ridiculous. The Ku Klux Klan's a bunch of guys in white robes that scare the hell out of black people and the Supreme Court's a bunch of guys in black robes that scare the hell out of white people.
• TGI Friday's CEO marked American Circus Day Friday by walking on a high wire at a local circus. Times are tough under the Big Top. Last week one circus owner had to fire the bearded woman, the five-hundred pound man and tattooed lady, because frankly, they aren't freaks any more.
• Godzilla vs. King Kong is a new horror movie streamed on HBO Max in which these legendary monsters create panic and destruction in major world cities. The lesson of the movie couldn't be clearer. Scientists never should have tested the Johnson and Johnson vaccine on a chimp and a lizard.
• The London Sun reported details of the scientific breakthrough at the Jonas Salk Institute in Thursday where geneticists created the world's first-ever monkey-human embryo. The creation of this monkey-human embryo came just in time. We were about to run out of victim groups.
• Keeping Up with the Kardashians' final episode involved news of Kim's filing for divorce from Kanye West. Not to be outdone, the same day Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez confirmed that they have split and are no longer engaged. Jennifer is now just two rings away from tying Tom Brady.
• Pfizer announced Thursday that two vaccine shots may not be enough to prevent corona virus and you may need to buy an annual booster shot. I'm starting to believe that Bernie Madoff ran the second biggest con. I just got my shot and I'm still waiting for a welcome message from Bill Gates.
• The Los Angeles Police Department was put on tactical alert Thursday for fear that what was happening in Minneapolis might spread to L.A., and it did. While I was being held up by a robber at the ATM Thursday, I reached for my pistol but I accidentally pulled out my joke notes. Needless to say, I killed.
• President Biden slapped sanctions on Putin Thursday. In a dream, Putin saw Stalin and asked him how to stay on top and Stalin told him to poison all his opponents and paint the Kremlin blue. When Putin asked, why blue? Stalin said that's my boy, I KNEW you wouldn't ask about the first part.
• Dr. Fauci was roasted in Congress Thursday for directing that people who've been vaccinated still wear a mask. Like everything else it's a bitter partisan issue. The odds of dying from getting a Covid shot are one in seven million unless you are a Supreme Court Justice, then it's six out of nine.
• Minneapolis mobs shifted their fury from George Floyd trial to another police shooting just as the defense presented its case. The drug use makes it a tough call. Last week the toxicologist said that George Floyd had enough Fentanyl in his system to kill three grown men, or two Stacey Abrams. • Bernie Madoff died in North Carolina prison at age eighty-two on Tuesday. In a rotating con game, he raised billions from new investors, paid interest to old investors and skimmed off the middle. There should be a statue of him in Washington honoring him as the Father of Social Security. • Los Angeles Police went on tactical alert Wednesday in the wake of the Minneapolis riots that threatened to spread to other big cities. It's helps to be a sloppy bachelor. During last summer's George Floyd rioting, one looter broke into my apartment, looked around and then tossed me a twenty. • The Minneapolis police woman's body cam showed she accidentally discharged her police gun when she shot a resisting suspect. She thought she was firing her taser gun. Accidental discharge isn't an excuse for a cop killing a man, but it might work for an excuse for how we got Hunter Biden. • BLM co-founder Patrisse Kahn-Cullors reportedly bought a $1.4 million home in the 98% white suburb of Topanga Canyon. Who wrote this story? Topanga Canyon Road runs from the ultra-exclusive canyon over hills and into the Valley where $1.4 million may be possible, from your parents. • GOP senators called for a boycott of Major League Baseball after the All-Star Game was moved to Denver over the Georgia voting law. The Republicans have now called for boycotts of MLB, MLS, the NBA, the NFL, and NASCAR. Pretty soon the only sport Republicans will be able to watch are My Pillow fights. • Politico reports that House Democrats are crafting legislation to expand the Supreme Court so they can codify a leftist agenda. The want DC statehood, income redistribution and reparations for slave descendants. It's like the 1917 Bolshevik Revolution, only this time they get rid of the Drug Czar.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2020, Argus Hamilton |
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