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Jewish World Review April 23, 2020 Rogue Report By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
The White House Task Force conceded it will be tough to test asymptomatic Americans to see if they were ever infected and thus are immune now. Scientists tell us one of the chief symptoms of the corona virus is having no taste. Looking back at my jokes, I would say I've been infected for years.
• The White House reported that the number of U.S. virus deaths hit forty-five thousand while twenty-two million lost their jobs and the oil industry crashed as the pandemic spread. The three International Space Station astronauts just returned to Earth. What were they thinking?
• The New York Times urged Bernie Progressives to back Biden as the only way to defeat Trump. However Progressives have a much bigger problem on their hands than Donald Trump. Kids have been out of school for seven weeks now, and they're starting to think for themselves.
• President Trump struggled to hold the middle as the nation split between the insisters on control and continued quarantine and the liberty protestors who insist on going back to work. Perhaps we can all agree on one thing. This is the longest that something from China has ever lasted.
• Bill and Hillary Clinton had four hundred pizzas delivered to New York first responders. It's the kind of generosity that often rebounds right back to you. In North Korea, Kim Jung Un issued a deathbed statement stating that if he dies, he wants Hillary to have all his pantsuits.
• North Korean dictator Kim Jung Un was reported by CNN to be hospitalized for heart surgery and listed in critical condition. We haven't had to monitor his nuclear missile tests for four days. Kim Jung Un could be the first world leader to win the Nobel Peace Prize just for dying.
• New York Mayor DeBlasio said the city will throw a ticker tape parade for health care workers after the crisis. Of course, stock tickers are a thing of the past, so ticker tape is no longer made. Instead the parade scene will be even snowier when everyone throws CVS receipts from their office windows.
• President Trump praised researchers in Israel who are working on a vaccine. Israeli scientists say they believe the key to a cure for COVID-19 is the study of fecal matter. They've just gone through Katherine Heigl's filmography and will now view the last two seasons of Saturday Night Live.
• Fox News reports oil futures hit minus-thirty-seven dollars a barrel Monday. It prompted CBS to green-light a remake of the Beverly Hillbillies sitcom. In the new version, Jed Clampett is a poor Oklahoma oilman who was making moonshine in his backyard and he suddenly struck hand sanitizer.
• Rock superstar Ozzy Osborne learned Friday that corona virus travel restrictions prevent him from being allowed to fly to a Parkinson's clinic in Switzerland for treatment. His generation is exasperated right along with him. Back in our day, you could eat a bat without starting a world crisis.
• Queen Elizabeth marked her ninety-fourth birthday in Buckingham Palace Tuesday. I shall always believe the Anglo-Saxons and Anglo-Irish here in the U.S. are monarchists at heart. Did you ever notice in that painting of Washington Crossing the Delaware, he was the only one not rowing?
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2018, Argus Hamilton |
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