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Jewish World Review April 13, 2020 Rogue Report By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
The White House dropped hints that President Trump is planning to soon announce a gradual re-opening of U.S. businesses on May 1st. The president would select May Day. It's just like Trump to jump-start the richest economy in the world and at the same time ruin a communist holiday.
• Oklahoma closed an emergency hospital since it had no COVID-19 patients. It's no mystery why to viewers of the Netflix show about a white trash, gay polygamist murder suspect who raises wildlife in the Ouachita River basin. The virus is afraid of what it might catch from Tiger King.
• Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin reported that the stimulus checks will be mailed out. Trump announced last week that every working man and working woman in the United States will receive a check for $1,200. And just like that, there were only two genders again.
• President Trump used a question at his press conference to taunt the presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden about the social distancing between him and Barack Obama all year long. Joe took the bait. This morning Biden finally came out and endorsed Obama for president.
• Joe Biden made a pitch for Bernie Sanders voters, proposing lowering the Medicare age to sixty and ending college loan payments for low-income people. Bernie Sanders didn't really quit the presidential race. He just looked at the way Americans have to live today and declared victory.
• House Democrats refused to consider a Senate bill helping small businesses because it didn't contain billions in cash give-outs to community banks. It never ends. If you had to sacrifice the population of one city to get rid of the virus, which city would you choose, and why Washington DC?
• President Trump hinted at his White House press conference that the economy may be opening up in May. You can't keep people indoors during spring. In three weeks, tornadoes will be approaching neighborhoods in the South, and everybody will be in the front yard filming them.
• President Trump's recommendation of hydroxy-chloroquine to treat the virus has resulted in a cable news crusade against the drug. They're furious because doctors say it's working. If Donald Trump killed Hitler, CNN would mourn the loss of a promising Austrian artist and vegetarian.
• Cook County in Illinois reported that Chicago has now recorded ten thousand cases of Corona Virus in the past month. The city has come to a complete stop. There are no two ways about it, COVID-19 is the biggest crisis to alter Chicago's way of life since the bullet shortage of 1945.
• The University of California at Berkeley issued a ban on the phrase Chinese Virus to describe COVID-19. They say it's racist. Look, I love Chinese culture and Japanese culture, but the next person who tells me that I'm holding the chopsticks wrong can just administer the enema themselves.
• The White House Task Force addressed reporters and indicated that the numbers of virus infections seem to have peaked. They praised Americans for keeping social distance and getting tested. Bernie Sanders pulled out of the race after he tested negative for president.
• President Trump stated the U.S. is trying to raise oil prices to save the oil industry with gasoline prices the cheapest in decades. Small high-mileage cars and electric cars are practically despised now. In Los Angeles every Bernie Sanders 2024 bumper sticker comes with a free Smart Car.
• Bernie Sanders halted his presidential campaign but requested that his delegates remain loyal to him leading up to the convention so he can bargain with whichever nominee the DNC selects. He's used to it by now. Every four years around this time, Bernie celebrates Passed Over.
• Democratic National Committee records showed that Bernie Sanders raised one hundred and sixty-seven million dollars in his year-long quest for the nomination. He's taken the party to the left. Joe Biden complimented Sanders saying he always liked his white suits and chicken.
• The Centers for Disease Control was forced to roll out new numbers saying how COVID-19 is infecting Americans by race, class and gender. It's interesting to see that statistics show that COVID-19 hits men a lot more than it infects women. In other words, Bruce Jenner got out just in time.
• President Trump said Americans are going stir crazy from having nothing to do and nowhere to go. I dreamed I was host of a new quiz show, What Day Is It? Until further notice, the days of the week will now be called This Day, That Day, Other Day, Someday, Yesterday, Today and Next Day.
• Psychology Today encouraged people to make the most of the quarantine and do home repairs and undergo an exercise regimen that'll improve your life. I'll say this, the quality of my morning prayers have greatly improved since I've been confined at home. My confessions are a LOT shorter.
• The Hill reported Joe Biden has been consulting with Barack Obama, seeking his advice on how to pick a VP candidate. Obama himself was careful to pick someone goofier than him who'd provide all the punch lines for late night comics. For Joe Biden, that pretty much leaves Carrot Top.
• Nobel Peace Prize finalist and teenybopper climate activist Greta Thunberg disclosed Friday she has Corona Virus symptoms and may test positive. What she's going through should inspire young people. Whoever said that one person cannot change the world never ate an under-cooked bat.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2018, Argus Hamilton |
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