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Jewish World Review April 1, 2020 Rogue Report By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Major League Baseball postponed the season due to Corona Virus that crossed the ocean to the U.S. from China this year. Incidentally, the sport is not played with any skill in China. One reason why the Chinese are no good at playing baseball is because they eat the bat.
• The CDC repeated its prediction that the virus can be minimized by good hygiene and common sense measures. What's being learned during this pandemic will alter my own profession forever. One hundred years from now, comedians will refer to this time as The Death of the Spit Take.
• The White House expressed hope Monday that home isolation would help hold down the virus mortality rate. Seven hundred fifty people died in California, and only two of the deaths were from the virus. The rest of the Californians died from watching Donald Trump go up in the polls.
• President Trump said Monday he's trying to set an optimistic example during the crisis. This period of forced isolation is an opportunity. I believe that half of Americans are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks, while the other half will come out with a drinking problem.
• The New York Times led a cascade of media pundits asserting that the Corona Virus casualties would be much lower if Joe Biden were the president. You know what, they just might be right. The virus, like Biden, would enter the room, forget why it came into the room and then leave.
• The New York City Police Department reported a huge drop in the number of homicides and robberies as a result of the strict home quarantine. Everyone forced to be home has to discourage burglary as well. The country's number-one crime used to be home break-ins, now it's home escapes.
• President Trump on trotted out many of our nation's leading manufacturers who are volunteering to make ventilators and surgical masks, including the popular My Pillow cable TV advertiser Mike Lindell. You know what I haven't seen on cable lately? Cheap life insurance policies.
• President Trump went on Twitter Monday to say he loves the Queen and the Royal Family, yet he said Prince Harry and Meghan must pay for their own protection now that they've moved to Los Angeles. It is a moot point anyways. Since Harry's castration, he doesn't need to use protection.
• President Trump addressed reporters in the Rose Garden and emphasized the need to make sure the government helps the airline industry recover. It shows great sportsmanship by Trump to want to save the airlines. After all, if air travel shut down, CNN would lose all their viewers.
• Facebook Timeline informed me that one year ago, Millennials were posting videos of themselves licking ice cream out of the carton at grocery stores then putting the ice cream back up on the shelves. Now look what's happened as a result. This is why we can't have nice things.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2018, Argus Hamilton |
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