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Jewish World Review April 4, 2016 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• Donald Trump showed up for a meeting with the Republican National Committee Thursday in Washington. The TV cameras recorded it all. After the meeting, Trump came outside and saw that he is still leading in the GOP presidential race and traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy.
• The FBI was able to hack into the iPhone of slain San Bernardino terrorist Sayeed Farouk on Tuesday with a third party’s help. It doesn’t solve the root problem. I mean to be a good American citizen, but my FBI file reveals that early in life I was radicalized by Robert E. Lee and Richard Pryor.
• Ted Cruz dismissed claims by Anonymous that he frequented hookers. He’s already having to deal with the five mistress accusation. It’s hard to imagine who’d be more humiliated, Ted Cruz for admitting he had an affair with five women or the five women for admitting they slept with Ted Cruz.
• Donald Trump spent Thursday in Washington D.C. smoothing over his differences with GOP officials. While in the capital, Mr. Trump also met with his foreign policy team. They consist of a brick-layer, a cement contractor and a guy with a tape measure to make sure the wall is high enough.
• Donald Trump refused to fire his campaign manager, saying the female reporter had pulled on Trump’s jacket and his aide was trying to protect him by grabbing her arm. It was all so avoidable. They had an ironclad rule in Bill Clinton’s campaigns never to pull a woman away from the president.
• Vermont Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders rode to three primary victories last Saturday and said he’s in it all the way to the convention. His campaign is very pop-culture friendly. The Hollywood Free Clinic has begun advertising free STD checks on city billboards for anyone who Feels the Burn.
• NBC News reports a Minnesota company called Ideal Conceal invented a two-shot pistol that folds up into a replica of a smartphone. The banks aren’t going to like this invention at all. It allows the entire Millenial generation to get out from under its oppressive student loan debt by taking a selfie.
• The CDC reports thirty thousand Americans died of alcohol-induced illness last year. Another sixty thousand Americans died in drunk-driving accidents and alcohol-related homicides. The Nationals Distillers Association responded by saying alcohol is single-handedly saving Social Security.
• The FDA announced it’ll start fining schools if they don’t serve healthy lunches approved by Michelle Obama. She just doesn’t get it. The reason that Donald Trump’s poll numbers go up every time he vows to deport illegal farm workers is further proof that Americans just don’t like vegetables.
• The London Sun says the Taliban freed Pakistani hostage Shalabazz Taseer to go home to his wife after five years. It wasn’t out of sentimentality. The advantage to being a Taliban is that you can divorce one woman and marry another woman and never have to change the photo on your desk.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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