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Jewish World Review April 3, 2014 / 3 Nissan, 5774 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• Cal Tech astronomers announced they have discovered a new planet in our solar system located far beyond Pluto and named it after Joe Biden. What an honor. It's probably to keep people from always asking astronomers if there's any form of intelligent life on the planet.
• The White House said they made it to seven million Obamacare enrollees Tuesday. They won't say how many haven't paid, how many had to switch plans or how many were put into Medicaid. We won't know the exact numbers until the IRS finishes sending out the audit notices.
• GM executives were berated by Congress Tuesday for not warning the public about faulty ignition switches. Their thinking was clear. They figured if only thirteen people were killed due to the faulty ignition switches, it still looked like German engineering compared to Toyotas.
• California Fisheries Department will have to transport thirty million salmon by trucks to the Pacific this spring. The drought dried up the rivers. It could be an environmental breakthrough when they find out that salmon spawn in the back seat of the car just like the rest of us.
• The Weather Channel issued its first tornado watch of the season Tuesday for Oklahoma and Texas. The funnel clouds are mesmerizing. Visiting in-laws from out of state will stare through your living room window for a half-hour and if gets too bad, you have to let them inside.
• The White House ordered SUVs to have rear-view cameras Monday. Drivers need better visibility. They're killing their children by backing up over them because they can't see out of the SUV's they bought because compact cars weren't safe enough for their children.
• John Kerry and NATO leaders broke relations with Russia over Putin sending troops into the Crimea. He sent troops there under the false pretense that it posed a threat and he has no exit strategy. It's not enough that he's threatening our allies, he's stealing our material.
• The Labor Department revealed it's harder to get a job at WalMart than accepted as a student at Harvard. Do the math. It's easy to make a big donation to get your kid in Harvard, but there's only so many rolls of toilet paper a family can buy before they run of storage space.
• Congress marked the two-hundred twenty-fifth anniversary of its first session. That year pro-British Federalists bickered with pro-French Revolution Democrats to a standstill. It shows that America is the only country where getting nothing done is hard-wired into our DNA.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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