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Jewish World Review April 30, 2013 / 20 Iyar, 5773 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Nashville star George Jones was mourned with glowing tributes Friday. He endured four marriages, chronic alcoholism and drug abuse and he still made it to the age of eighty-one. He will go down in history as the greatest athlete in the history of Country music.
Hostess Bakery returned to production Friday and the new owners said that stores will have Twinkies by July. The bakery's rescue came just in time. The success of the U.S. economy now depends on Americans having to buy a larger t-shirt every three months.
The Federal Reserve Bank in Washington D.C. introduced the new one-hundred-dollar bill Thursday complete with Ben Franklin's portrait on it plus dozens of new security features. It was time to bring out a new one-hundred-dollar bill. China's got all the old ones.
Congress voted overwhelmingly to end air traffic controller furloughs that delayed flights. The Senate passed it and the House passed it. The nation made it clear that getting from Point A to Point B is so important that we'll just have to get out of debt two days later. Bill Clinton made his debut on Twitter on Wednesday. He is not really in safe hands with technology. If you think the Secret Service protects the president, the U.S. Office of Patents delayed approval of the cell phone camera until Bill Clinton was safely out of office.
President Obama met Jordan's King Abdullah at the White House Friday as pressure mounted to intervene in the region. Action looks imminent. The day before, he stopped by the George W. Bush Library to give a speech and to pick up the plans for invading Syria.
Russia's security service confirmed Friday it warned Homeland Security about Boston bomber Tamerlan Tsarnaev ahead of time. The Chechen terrorist didn't show up in the database as a threat. He was not a card-carrying member of the Tea Party or the NRA.
Janet Napolitano was grilled in Congress after Homeland Security ignored warnings about Tamerlan Tsarnaev. It was all there. You might suspect a political asylum seeker is a foreign-trained terrorist if after he's granted asylum, he goes back home for six months.
Detroit Airport security discovered a cache of illegal drugs hidden inside a box while it was circling on the baggage carousel. The recipient was on time to pick it up, at Chicago's airport. The drug smuggler swears it's the last time he trusts his packages to Delta Airlines.
Notre Dame star Manti Teo wasn't drafted by any of the NFL teams in the first round Friday. The day-long wait is excruciating for these young athletes. The NFL draft gives football players a chance for the first time to feel what it's like to be picked last in gym class.
California lawmakers will vote on a penny-an-ounce tax on sodas and energy drinks to combat obesity. It's egalitarian. They said one-fourth of California's poor adults are obese and the money would provide them cocaine to stay slim the way rich Californians do.
Democratic donor and Wall Street titan Marc Lasry withdrew his name as a nominee for Ambasador to France Friday after his Russian poker buddies were arrested for money laundering. It's so exasperating. If we exclude billionaire poker players whose Russian friends launder money, we're never going to attract our best people to government service.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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