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Jewish World Review April 16, 2013 / 6 Iyar, 5773 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
President Obama paid taxes on six hundred grand in income Friday. He made eight hundred grand last year and a million-seven the year before. While other politicans just talk about economic decline under President Obama, President Obama leads by example.
Jay-Z and Beyonce were slammed by Caribbean civil rights leaders for vacationing in Cuba last week. They said Fidel Castro's regime has always been apartheid and supported separation of races. The Justice Department says there's no recourse under the Voting Rights Act because they don't have elections.
North Korean generals disclosed Thursday they are plotting a cyber attack on the U.S. which they say will bring the United States to its knees. It would wipe out texting, tweeting, e-mailing and websurfing. It will make us grateful for a nuclear explosion to take us out of our misery.
Secretary of State John Kerry was in South Korea Friday and warned Kim Jung-Un not to go nuts. Baby Boomers are horrified. We knew when the video game generation got its hands on real power, some kid would think he gets extra points for wiping out Los Angeles.
North Korea honored Kim Jung-Un's late father Kim Jong Il who died last year at age seventy. He drank a quart of Cognac a day, snorted coke, took Cialis and dated teenage girls. You'd think North Korea would spare Los Angeles if only out of professional courtesy.
President Obama received a letter from celebrities and musicians Friday who asked him to ease U.S. drug laws and eliminate jail time for users and dealers. The petition is no surprise. If cocaine could do taxes it would list celebrities and musicians as dependants.
A U.S. judge gave a thief seven years for stealing President Obama's Teleprompter in Richmond last year. The president never missed it. He surrounds himself with so many Teleprompters onstage it looks like he's given himself a one hundred million dollar block grant to go solar.
An Iranian scientist filed a patent for a time machine Friday. The laptop size device predicts your future based on the vibes from your touch. How can we stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons when it only took them thirty years to replicate the Magic 8-Ball?
Tiger Woods raved about 14-year-old Chinese prodigy Guan Tianlang at the Masters Friday. They exchanged tips that'll make each of them millions of dollars. Tiger taught the kid how to hit his tee shots farther and the kid taught Tiger how to erase text messages.
Congress voted Friday to shield federal officals from having to post their financial dealings online. It overrides last year's Stock Act meant to catch U.S. officials when they engage in insider trading. Now when NORAD operators spot North Korean missiles in the air they face the difficult choice of either shooting them down or selling Samsung short.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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