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Jewish World Review
April 26, 2012/ 4 Iyar, 5772
Parents, kids don't want you at games
By
Celia Rivenbark
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | (MCT)
I love cats as much, or more, than the next person. Heck, I grew up with a dozen “barn cats” right in my back yard. When Duh Hubby and I first met many years ago, I lived alone with five cats. Yep, just me and my subscription to “Offensive Stereotypes Monthly.” These days, we're down to two cats, both around 10 years old, who eat, sleep and ... no, that's pretty much it.
When I realized there was a mouse in the attic recently (don't you dare tell me there's never just one!), I crawled up there with my 19-pound ginger cat in my arms, cradling him like a severely obese baby and muttering about all the fun he was going to have in the attic with his new friends! His new, edible friends!
“Look, Sean! Mouse!” I said loudly although I didn't actually see one at the time.
Sean stared up at me, opened his jaws wide and produced a huge Meow-Mix scented yawn.
“Whatevs,” he seemed to say.
“Want to chase the mouse?” I asked in babytalk. “Want to go get the mousie-wousie?” Sean looked at me with outright pity at this point. His human had finally gone crazy as an outhouse, well, you know. Somewhere PETA was laughing its collective butt off. No, I'm kidding. Those guys NEVER laugh.
I heard the telltale scritch-scratch behind me and swung around so Sean could see the mouse. But instead of being a curious mouse-slayer, he jumped from my arms and shimmied, butt first, down the attic steps faster than I had seen him move since 2005.
Bottom line: I dig cats. Even ones that ARE NOT ANY HELP WHATSOEVER if you have a tiny mouse problem.
But two “Cat Amber Alerts” on my phone in the past two weeks have me wondering if we haven't gotten a bit wackadoodle when it comes to our pets.
I started not to pick it up both times because I thought my phone was kidding around. Whoever heard of a Cat Amber Alert? But that's what it said on my caller I.D.
What the what???
The message sounded like it had been recorded in a wind tunnel which gave it a sinister vibe. I pictured kidnappers making Sean hold up a copy of the morning newspaper.
“A large, silver tabby ... answers to “Bluebell” ... last seen in ... the ... area ... if found ...”
I did a (very) little bit of research and discovered that this pet Amber alert business is a big deal. It costs about $250 to have the pet Amber alerts sent to 1,000 of your neighbors.
On the one hand, I wish I'd thought of this as a fun and easy home business. But I'm thinking I would definitely have a different name. Using Amber alert is a little like selling Anne Frankfurters. Which is to say, wildly inappropriate.
Much as I love ‘em, at the end of the day, they're, well, cats.
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