Jewish World Review April 1, 2008 / 25 Adar II 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Sotheby's will auction a letter Abe Lincoln wrote to children saying he doesn't have the legal power to free slaves. It could sell for as much as three million dollars. That's how rare it is for a president to admit that he has to follow the Constitution.
The Truckers Union protests high gas prices today by calling for a speed limit reduction. It's not needed in California. Traffic on the San Diego Freeway is so slow that illegal immigrants walking over the border make better time to Los Angeles.
Hillary Clinton's campaign accused Barack Obama of tolerating anti-Americanism in church while the Obama team called Hillary a serial liar. It's vicious. Michael Vick can't believe he's in prison while the Democratic National Committee walks free.
Hillary Clinton bristled Sunday at suggestions she concede to Obama. She's not about to quit the race. She said people may think she's dead but she escaped from the Alamo, she escaped from Bonnie and Clyde's car, and she's going to escape from this.
Hillary Clinton admitted she wasn't fired upon in Bosnia twelve years ago after comedian Sinbad said it never happened. His eyewitness account had consequences. Sinbad was immediately banned from the Comedy Store for risking a Clinton presidency.
Barack Obama said Sunday Hillary Clinton ought to stay in the race. Polls show women think it's sexist to pressure her to quit. Ever since the cable news shows switched from opposition to the Iraq war to stopping Hillary, it's gotten very bloody.
The Olympic torch got to Beijing Monday where the torch was divided into two in Tiananmen Square. One half will go up Mt. Everest and the other half will traverse the world. They hired a General Sherman impersonator to carry the torch through Tibet.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel announced Saturday she will boycott the Summer Olympic Games in Beijing. She is angry over China's military crackdown in Tibet. Many countries have denounced the crackdown but only Germany deducted points for style.
The TSA agreed Friday to stop asking women airline passengers to remove their nipple rings at the metal detector. It was a real problem at California airports. The screeners were afraid to pull the rings for fear they would inflate even further.
Las Vegas led the nation in falling home prices Wednesday with an average loss of twenty percent in dollar value in January alone. It's not that big a problem. When you lose that much money in Las Vegas, the hotel will normally put you up for free.
New York Governor Dave Paterson admitted Tuesday he did pot and cocaine in the late Seventies. Last week he admitted to numerous lovers. When John Belushi wound up being a U.S. Senator in Animal House, it inspired an entire generation to public service.
The New York Yankees began tours Monday of New Yankee Stadium, which will offer box seats next year at twenty-five hundred dollars a game. It's a special luxury section. Each seat is cushioned and has teak arms, and the cupholder is an Englishman named Brewster.
Jose Canseco's new book, Vindicated, claims Alex Rodriguez tried to bed his wife and that Jose introduced A-Rod to a steroids dealer. The Yankees slugger has no reason to worry. The last thing Congress is going to do is hold hearings on adultery in baseball.
Hillary Clinton was savaged by cable news hosts Wednesday for misremembering her Bosnia airport reception. She was flogged in the Situation Room, beaten on Hardball, and flayed on Countdown. The Clintons never thought they would find themselves watching Fox News for a breather.
Senator Barack Obama and his wife Michelle returned to the campaign trail Wednesday after a Caribbean weekend vacation. They flew to the Virgin Islands for a couple of days. The couple aren't independently wealthy, so they couldn't afford to drive anywhere.
Barack Obama denied ever hearing his Chicago pastor denounce America Wednesday when he spoke to a North Carolina crowd. They came to hear his standard campaign speech. There is never a dry eye in the house when Bambi's mother dies at the end.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton