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Jewish World Review April 5, 2007 / 18 Nissan, 5767 And now for the important news .... By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Florida beat Ohio State to capture the NCAA men's basketball championship Monday in Atlanta. Three months ago, Florida beat Ohio State to win the college football title. These two states have a long rivalry in football, basketball and election fraud.
Quentin Tarantino's Grindhouse premiered in Los Angeles Friday. It's about a stripper who loses her leg and replaces it with a machine gun to kill zombies. The judges in Dancing with the Stars won't be eliminating Heather Mills McCartney anytime soon.
Martin Sheen was arrested Sunday protesting government silence over the danger of the Nevada Test Site. He wore duct tape over his mouth. He wants the world to know that there's still a member of the Sheen family who can breathe through his nose.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi visited a mosque in Syria Tuesday and wore a headscarf to show her respect. She was shown a lot of respect herself. In the Arab world, whoever is third in line to the throne is usually the chief suspect in the assassination.
Hillary Clinton led all Democrats in first-quarter fundraising Monday. However, John Edwards leads the polls in Iowa and is surging in New Hampshire. Meanwhile, Barack Obama found another slave owner in his family tree and surged five points in South Carolina.
Rudy Giuliani made his first presidential campaign trip to Iowa Monday. He was surprised to see old friends there. It was a lucky break for Rudy that the witness protection program moved so many of his old mob informants to an early-primary state.
Rudy Giuliani said Friday his wife Judi would be welcome to attend his cabinet meetings. She won't let him out of her sight. By now everyone in America knows that Rudy Giuliani met his third wife while cheating on his first wife with his second wife.
Iran on Tuesday showed more footage of British sailors relaxing and reading upbeat stories about their captivity. The day before, the men delivered articulate news reports crisply and authoritatively. If the Iranians don't kill them Katie Couric might.
San Francisco reported four-dollar-a-gallon gasoline Sunday, striking fear into the hearts of drivers nationwide as summer approaches. Automakers are scrambling to keep up. The new Ford Mustang has four legs and an engine that runs on hay and sugar cubes.
Fred Thompson leaped to third in the GOP presidential polls Monday, setting off complaints from other Republican candidates that he doesn't work hard enough. He makes a fortune for five or six lines a week. Even coke dealers think he is overpaid.
Saudi Arabia declared Monday it will not accept Israel's invitation to a peace conference until Israel withdraws from Arab lands. That means it's never going to happen. The International Space Station isn't big enough to host a peace conference.
The Masters begins today at Augusta National Golf Club. This week the rough was allowed to grow to a new record height and the greens are mowed so low you can't stop a putt. The Mexicans have joined the Iranians in taking the Anglo-Saxons hostage.
Michael Phelps was hailed as the greatest swimmer ever after he set five world records in Melbourne last weekend. No one can catch him in the water. On the day Castro dies, Michael Phelps will be regarded throughout Cuba as the man with the plan.
Rudy Giuliani said Friday his wife Judi would be welcome to attend his cabinet meetings. She won't let him out of her sight. By now everyone in America knows that Rudy Giuliani met his third wife while cheating on his first wife with his second wife.
Barack Obama said he was born because his parents were inspired by the Selma march to get together and have a child. However, records show he was born four years before the march. He instinctively knew the best way to raise money in Hollywood was to lie about his age.
Bill Clinton finished the first quarter of the year in a flurry of fundraising for his wife's campaign. He did sixteen fundraisers in six weeks, and stunned aides said he was on time for every one of them. If his marriage fails, it is not going to be his fault. Hillary Clinton reported twenty-five million dollars in first quarter campaign donations Sunday, while Barack Obama reported raising twenty-three million dollars. They're all set. They raised enough to run in Iowa and New Hampshire for the rest of the year or to run one thirty-second commercial on Channel Four in Los Angeles. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton |
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