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Jewish World Review April 26, 2005 / 17 Nisan, 5765 And now for the important news .... By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
The Miss America Pageant hired an agent last week to find it
a network television home. ABC dropped the pageant after continued
bad ratings. Every year fewer and fewer people were captivated by
the sight of a bulimic who can play the ukulele.
The Los Angeles Lakers made overtures Friday to coach Phil
Jackson to return to coach the fabled franchise and right a
sinking ship. Fan interest plummeted in the past year. By the end
of the season the courtside celebrity was Wilfred Brimley.
Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan warned Friday that inflation is
fast approaching the economy. The signs are there. Ted Kennedy
wants to raise the minimum wage to eight dollars an hour, which
any American worker will tell you is two hundred rupees.
Bill Clinton defended Tony Blair's decision to go to war
while campaigning for him in London Sunday. It's only fair.
Americans didn't believe that going into Iraq was necessary until
they heard it from Tony Blair, and now Britons won't believe that
going into Iraq was worthwhile until they hear it from Bill Clinton.
The NBA playoffs began Saturday with the four-round
tournament slated to end before Father's Day. That's considerate.
Father's Day is a day when NBA players traditionally like to relax
at home and take phone calls from all over the country.
Bud Selig nixed Pete Rose on this year's Hall of Fame ballot
Thursday. Don't worry. By the time the steroid tests come back
from the lab and Congress forces team owners to open
their books,
Pete Rose will be the last honest man in baseball.
Earth Day volunteers posed for pictures Friday with hundreds
of tons of trash they hauled from the Potomac River. It was awful.
The trash included bottles and tires and old refrigerators and
Bill Clinton's first three picks for Attorney General.
European Union officials said Friday they are seriously
worried that French voters will reject the EU constitution in next
month's election. A death blow could be dealt to the European
Union by the French. It just shows that whenever the enemy speaks
a language that the CIA can translate, the agency can be very effective.
Martha Stewart was denied more mobility by her judge
Thursday and ordered to stay on her estate during her six-month
house arrest. She's getting no sympathy. Robert Blake called her
up and told her don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
The Centers for Disease Control stated Tuesday that being
overweight actually gives you a lower risk of death than being
thin. It was big news in Hollywood. The next day, Michael Moore's
personal physician diagnosed his condition as immortal.
Fidel Castro gave a speech in Havana Thursday and raised the
minimum wage in Cuba to ten dollars a month. He also ordered
everyone to use less electricity. He would be a lot more popular
in Cuba if Elian Gonzales didn't remember everything.
Ted Kennedy's brother-in-law pleaded guilty in New Orleans
Thursday to fraud charges. He hatched a scheme to cheat banks out
of money. As much as Louisiana Democrats love a good con artist
and hate banks, he's obviously running for governor.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
Comment by clicking here.
© 2005, Argus Hamilton |
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