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Jewish World Review April 4, 2005 / 24 Adar II, 5765 And now for the important news .... By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Major League Baseball held Opening Day in Yankee Stadium
Sunday with steroid use hanging over the game like a dark cloud.
This is what happens when you don't allow gun violence on
television. You get shoot-'em-ups with hypodermic needles.
Tour de France champ Lance Armstrong denied charges made
Thursday by a fired former assistant that he uses steroids.
There's no reason to think he would need them. Bicycling over the
Alps is every bit as natural as breaking a home run record.
Roman Catholics maintained a worldwide vigil Friday over a
great man, Pope John Paul II. Every religion deals with death its
own way. We Episcopalians believe that death is not the final end,
there always remains the litigation over the estate.
Bill Clinton was presented with an award Friday from the
National Foundation for Infectious Diseases. What good is this to
him? He is certainly not going to pick up any chicks walking into
the Polo Lounge with this medal around his neck.
Bill Clinton stepped back into the spotlight Wednesday with
a speech calling for AIDS research. His recovery is amazing. If he
can outlive Jerry Falwell and the pope it will prove that the
commandment against adultery got in there by mistake.
Rudy Giuliani said Thursday he may run for the Republican
nomination for president. He's a divorced pro-choice Republican
married to the woman with whom he has committed adultery. His
political base consists of Prince Charles and his kids.
Donald Trump will teach a course called How to Make Money in
Real Estate to a Learning Annex gala in Los Angeles. He will be
paid a million dollars an hour. Only hostages in the Middle East
have more incentive to stretch their presentations.
Churchill Downs reported Friday that racetrack business is
way down due to all the other forms of gambling available. It's
still a gold mine. Forget stud fees, gasoline is so expensive that
horses make more money if they are put out to carpool.
Jesse Jackson startled supporters in Florida Friday by
praying with right-to-life protesters. He's never supported their
cause. It's the biggest turnaround for a Democrat since Gary Hart
got caught changing his position on offshore drilling.
The University of Mississippi was protested Friday by People
for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. They ruin every meal.
Nowadays you can't order fish at the restaurant at Sea World
without wondering if you are about to eat a slow learner.
Roosevelt had the New Deal, Harry Truman had the Fair Deal, and
John Edwards will offer the Standard Deal. If he's elected
president he gets thirty percent of the country plus expenses.
President Clinton's National Security Advisor Sandy Berger
pleaded guilty in federal court Thursday to sneaking classified
documents out of the National Archives by hiding them in his
pants. It was probably out of habit. Everyone in the Clinton
Administration was advised to hide whatever was going on in their pants.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
Comment by clicking here.
© 2005, Argus Hamilton |
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