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Jewish World Review April 29, 2004 / 8mcclanahan1.asp Iyar, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Olympic legend Mark Spitz said Tuesday the U.S. team may skip the Olympics over poor security. He's one great athlete. Mark Spitz could throw four of his seven gold medals over the White House fence and still break John Kerry's all-time record.

Billy Joel plowed his sports car into the Long Island home of a ninety-three-year-old woman Sunday. She told reporters she never heard of the singer and had absolutely no idea who he was. So much for the claims he wasn't injured in the crash.

Los Angeles boiled in triple digits for the fourth straight day Tuesday. An earthquake struck that morning and shark sightings were reported at the beach. Living in Los Angeles is like being married to a beautiful woman who's always sick.

Sacramento was lobbied by porno movie stars Tuesday against a bill requiring safe sex in the studios. Due to a health scare all porno movie production has been shut down. Bill Clinton is rushing to finish his autobiography to fill the void.

Secretary of State Colin Powell sent emergency food shipments to North Korea Monday. Due to famine the people there have had no bread or fruit or vegetables for ten years. It is the longest anyone's ever been able to stay on the Atkins Diet.

Archbishop Theodore McCarrick of Washington D.C. vowed sanctions on politicians who differ with Rome. How dare they interfere with the political process. In the confession booth Ted Kennedy flips a coin with the priest to see who goes first.

The Village Voice blasted John Kerry for trying to have it both ways on Vietnam. The newspaper was founded in the Sixties. No one wants to say the Village Voice catered to hippies but it was the only paper ever published with gummed edges.

John Kerry began a bus tour Monday called the Tour for Jobs. He has a system for sizing up voters on the campaign trail. John Kerry believes you're in the upper class if your name is on the building, you're in the middle class if you're name is on your desk, and you're in the working class if your name is on your shirt.

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