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Jewish World Review April 27, 2004 / 6 Iyar, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan was upbeat in House and Senate testimony Tuesday and warded off perceptions he's over the hill. Every time the seventy-eight-year-old banker walks into an elevator, he gets the same thought. This place really rocks.

Detroit announced Sunday that SUVs and trucks account for half of all U.S. auto sales. No one cares about record-high gasoline prices. Giant tow trucks that used to transport three- bedroom homes to new locations now run Saturday errands with them.

London veterinarians operated Wednesday on a German Shepherd that ate twenty-eight golf balls. It's the reason why we still need NATO. Every day we see more evidence of how the Germans are fed up with the Anglo-Saxons and their little games.

John Kerry released his war records Tuesday to verify his Purple Hearts. He killed about twenty men in Vietnam. John Kerry would be the first president in a while to have personally killed someone without hitting his drive into the gallery.

Senate Republicans announced Sunday they will hold hearings in four different committees this week on the importance of marriage. The committees are Health, Finance, Commerce and Judiciary. No, check that, those are the four stages of marriage.

The U.N. blueprint for an Iraqi government was unveiled Sunday, which calls for a prime minister, a president, two vice presidents, and a cabinet divided among all the parties. It's way too many offices. When Saddam Hussein returns to power, he will have to hang so many people he will be forced to ask the U.N. for an Oil-for-Rope program.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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