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Jewish World Review April 23, 2004 / 2 Iyar, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | The National Football League is holding its college player draft tomorrow in New York, televised on ESPN. The day-long selection process will be sponsored by Coors. The league counts on alcohol to keep the players in the news during the off-season.

The New York Times said Donald Trump gave the Apprentice a job that doesn't exist. The Chicago skyscraper he's supposed to manage hasn't been built and doesn't have any financing. Even the terrorists have shelved plans for the project.

Grace and Power is published next month about Jack Kennedy's presidency. They were perilous times. Whenever his wife traveled abroad, the fire marshal tried to block off access to the president's bedroom because he didn't have a parade permit.

Russian Vitali Klitschko goes for the WBC heavyweight belt Saturday as brother Vladimir Klitschko trains for the WBA title. Their dad Marshal Klitschko commanded the Red Army. Just hearing about them caused Poland to withdraw from Iraq Wednesday.

Senator Chuck Hagel proposed Tuesday reinstating the military draft. The Vietnam veteran believes a buildup of U.S. troops may be needed in Iraq to put down rebel insurgents. The good thing about repeating your mistakes is you know when to cringe.

Ralph Nader sabotaged John Kerry Wednesday by announcing to reporters he will run for president on an anti-war platform. The Democratic candidate reacted instinctively. As soon as the first poll came out he put in for another Purple Heart.

John Kerry staked his claim as champion of the environment Thursday at Earth Day celebrations. The Democrats don't exactly own this holiday. Republicans believe that the Earth comes first, we can always strip mine the other planets later.

U.S. Congressman Charlie Rangel Wednesday demanded an end to community service work requirements for people who live in federal public housing in his district in Harlem. It's a social experiment. The theory is, those that sponge off the public payroll ought to work, and those that refuse to work don't deserve to be re-elected.

Michael Jackson was indicted by a grand jury in Santa Barbara Wednesday for child molestation. Kobe Bryant faces a rape charge and Robert Blake will soon go on trial for the murder of his wife. Los Angeles superstars stepped in to fill the void when America decided to stop electing presidents for their entertainment value.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton