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Jewish World Review April 19, 2004 /29 Nisan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Hollywood shut down all pornographic movie studios for two months Friday due to a health scare. All production of porno movies has been canceled. Every actress and actor in Los Angeles who wants to be a big star is now stuck with Plan A.

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig confirmed Friday the Montreal Expos may move their team to Las Vegas. It carries special risks. Cocktail waitresses with no other protection than fishnet stockings could get killed out there on the basepaths.

The Department of Labor downplayed the effect of job outsourcing to the Third World. They say it's good in the long term. Economists won't consider outsourcing a real problem until India has an ample supply of cheap and well-trained economists.

CBS Radio reported statistics Friday saying a minimum-wage employee needs to work a hundred hours a week to afford the rent on an average apartment. However, there's hope. Just a couple of more hours per week and they won't need an apartment.

John Kerry's commander in Vietnam was quoted Tuesday saying his third Purple Heart was for just a scratch on the arm. He said it was shrapnel. Bill Clinton has explained scratches on the arm a million ways but that's one he could never use.

John Kerry spoke to students at the University of Pittsburgh Friday. His wife has donated tons of money to the school. Nevertheless, the students in the crowd didn't cheer him until he thought of endorsing Pete Coors for U.S. Senate in Colorado.

The Santa Monica City Council voted to ban smoking at its beach Monday. They said they don't want to see thousands of little white butts on the sand. The lifeguards can't be on the lookout for sharks and Michael Jackson at the same time.

The Titanic is the subject of a new expedition to save the famous ocean liner from decay. The iceberg that sank it has far more legal protection than the shipwreck. No one may alter the polar ice cap without written permission from the Ted Williams family.

Bob Woodward's new book about the Iraq war is called Plan of Attack. He says many of our top decision makers no longer speak to one another. America's long-term goal is to have a foreign policy that looks like someone designed it on purpose.

CIA Chief George Tenet said Wednesday it will take five more years to make the CIA competent again. He wants more money. Giving money to a bureaucrat is like giving a shopping bag and a disguise to Winona Ryder, you're only encouraging them.

Osama bin Laden released a new audio tape on Thursday but it gave no hints to United States intelligence of his whereabouts. He's a six-foot-six Arab in a white robe traveling with a dialysis machine and a legless sheik. The astronauts in the Space Station point him out every orbit but the FBI refuses to forward the memo.

John Kerry was confronted by a heckler over his pro-war vote while he was onstage with Hillary Clinton Wednesday. Everyone reverted to type. Hillary looked away, John Kerry waffled, and Al Gore issued a statement endorsing the heckler for president.

Minnesota's former governor Jesse Ventura said Thursday he might decide to run for president in four years. This country owes him a debt of gratitude. Jesse Ventura took American politics and raised it to the level of professional wrestling.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton