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Jewish World Review April 8, 2004 /17 Nisan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Tiger Woods said Sunday he will undergo four days of Army training next week. Playing golf every day isn't enough, he wants to be a trained killer. O.J. Simpson would sue him for doing his act, but he would just have to give the money to Fred Goldman.

The Alamo opens Friday at theaters nationwide. In the movie, the Mexican army overruns the Americans. At theaters in Los Angeles there are two lines in every lobby, the short one for popcorn, and the long one to sign the next ballot initiative.

Barry Bonds homered Monday to pull within one homer of his godfather Willie Mays on the all-time list. They are two of a kind. Willie Mays was known as the human highlight reel, while Barry Bonds is known as the human growth hormone highlight reel.

Iraqi Shiite leader Muqtada al-Sadr hid in a mosque from U.S. forces Monday in Baghdad. He has an armed militia and opposes rival Shiite leader Ayatollah Sistani. Just when it appeared that the handover might go smoothly, the Shiites hit the fan.

Teddy Kennedy ranted onstage Monday that Iraq is George Bush's Vietnam, and he added that the White House lied to the world in order to go to war. He's right on schedule. Every year by the thirty-sixth day of Lent, Teddy Kennedy is so thirsty he's delirious.

Queen Elizabeth traveled to Paris for the one-hundredth anniversary of the Entente Cordiale treaty, which ended centuries of Anglo-French rivalry. The treaty resulted in England and America being dragged into World War I to defend France, and it protracted a war which caused the fall of the Kaiser and the Czar and the rise of Hitler and Stalin. Being allied with France is like having a brother-in-law with a gambling problem.

Bill Clinton said Saturday a ban on gay marriage is wrongheaded. He likes to say that before you judge a man you should walk two miles in his shoes. That way, by the time you judge him he will be two miles away and you will have his shoes.

The Cincinnati Reds opened their season Monday with Pete Rose still banned from baseball. He is making real progress with his addiction. This year Pete Rose was able to make his gambling losses tax deductible by getting his bookie to change his name to Red Cross.

John Kerry smiled to the cameras Sunday in his first public appearance after shoulder surgery. Every time he comes out of the hospital he looks years younger. He really hit the jackpot the day Joan Rivers introduced him to her shoulder surgeon.

Saudi Arabia's Foreign Affairs adviser Adel Al-Jubeir said Sunday the U.S. can only blame itself for high gasoline prices. How expensive is it? Bloomingdale's is about to introduce Elizabeth Taylor's new fragrance called Passion of the Pump.

Major League Soccer began Saturday with hopes that teen sensation Freddy Adu will spark interest in the sport in America. Penalty cards are a new concept in this country. All we know is a yellow card means you are warned, a red card means you are out and a green card means you've been accepted to flight school in Florida.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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