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Jewish World Review April 5, 2004 /14 Nisan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Wisconsin student Audrey Seiler was revealed on Friday to have faked her own abduction. She lied to investigators and caused a media circus. Martha Stewart has just chosen Audrey Seiler from dozens of other contestants to be her apprentice.

John Kerry reported raising fifty million dollars Friday. He can now afford lots of paid TV ads. In addition, John Kerry gets a lot of free television time, which includes news interviews, public statements, and reruns of The Munsters.

Al-Qaeda released a list on the Internet Thursday of suggested human targets for its killers. Americans and Britons topped the list. It's oddly pleasing to Anglo-Saxon vanity to learn that the Germans and the French aren't worth the effort.

Saudi Arabian clerics blamed the nation's drought Friday on the activities of sinful women. Life is harsh there. If women in Saudi Arabia commit adultery they get stoned, unlike the women in Los Angeles, who get stoned and then commit adultery.

The European Union fined Microsoft six hundred million dollars last week for what the EU considers unfair trade. The company is left with two choices. As of this weekend, Bill Gates hasn't decided if he's going to pay the fine or buy Europe.

Richard Clarke went on Hardball with Chris Matthews Wednesday and discussed the differences between the past two administrations. He said President Bush wasn't on top of everything like President Clinton was. That's because President Bush did whatever his advisers told him to do, while President Clinton did whatever Buddy did.

The Muppets, it was announced Friday, will travel to the Middle East next week to lobby for peace between Israelis and Palestinians. Unfortunately the Muppets will never get through airport security. Any fool can see they've got hidden arms.

Condoleezza Rice testifies before the September 11th Commission Thursday. Why was she expected to see the attacks coming? Contrary to what late-night cable TV commercials imply, not all black women were born with the gift of fortune telling.

The White House vowed revenge Thursday against the criminals in Fallujah who committed atrocities against U.S. civilians working in Iraq last week. It won't go unanswered. The Weather Channel says the five-day forecast for Fallujah is two days.

John Kerry is resting in Boston after shoulder surgery. He had torn rotator cuff surgery following his eyelid surgery after surgery to remove his cancerous prostate, not to mention a recurring cough. No wonder Hillary wants to be his vice president.

U.S. Capitol Police Chief Terry Gainer said Thursday he wants a security fence around the Capitol building and the congressional office buildings. The iron fence would be manned by armed guards. Congressmen already get to vote themselves pay raises and have a cushy medical plan and free postage and now they want Martha Stewart Living.

The Internal Revenue Service said Thursday fifty million returns haven't yet been filed. Electronic filing still has a few bugs in the system. They're still trying to figure out how to get the shirt off your back through the telephone lines.

Oprah Winfrey is being investigated by the FCC over a discussion on her show about teen sex slang. It's so cute. The details aren't printable but suffice to say that what goes on behind the gym has completely ruined the good name of Lewinsky.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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