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July 7th, 2022

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Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Argus Hamilton

By Argus Hamilton

Published March 21, 2022

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report
John Cleese's microphone was seized at an Austin comedy panel after he joked about reparations for descendants of Southern slaves. He said the English deserve reparations from descendants of the conquering Normans. I'm Southern and Anglo-Norman but everyone can just get in line behind the IRS.

The Hollywood Reporter says HBO Max will air the The Last of the Mohicans set in the French and Indian War in the 1750s. The tribesmen would smash open the skull of a slain enemy and eat his brains in order to ingest the dead man's courage and valor. They didn't have energy drinks in those days.

Vladimir Putin vowed to cleanse Russia's population of Western free speech advocates and send them into internal exile. Recently a Russian man went into the gulag library in Siberia and passed a printed note to the librarian asking if they have this book. The librarian said no, but we have the author.

The New York Times says a grand jury is probing Hunter Biden for money laundering, tax evasion and Biden family graft in Ukraine as detailed on his laptop. He's not the only problem child. We're in a race to see if Ukraine can cause the entire planet to get blown up before it gets two presidents impeached.

President Biden will be flying to Europe for meetings this week following a fast medical checkup before the overseas trip. He's rumored to be having intestinal problems. It's reported that yesterday they had to take Biden to Bethesda Naval Hospital to see a gastroenterologist because he couldn't stop Putin.

The White House announced the U.S. is sending eight hundred million dollars worth of military weapons and equipment to the Ukrainians. A detailed inspection of the arms shipment package revealed it includes two hundred shotguns for Ukraine. It's our new air defense against Russian skeets.

The White House announced Harris is being dispatched to travel the country in the next month to proclaim the achievements of the Biden administration, despite her terribly low approval ratings. Last year her husband got Covid but she didn't. Even Covid wants nothing to do with her.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson flew to Saudi Arabia to meet the Crown Prince Friday. He got to them to lessen their penalty for stealing. For the first offense they cut off your right hand, second offense they cut off your left hand but for the third offense, they now let you off with a slap on the wrist.

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President Biden will fly to Europe to meet with world leaders in Brussels in reaction to Russia's invasion of Ukraine. Biden is also reportedly planning a side trip to Poland. The people of Poland feel a special kinship to our president because Polish jokes and Biden jokes are interchangeable.

President Biden said Wednesday he blames not only Putin but also greedy oil companies for high gas prices, without mentioning the federal taxes on every gallon. How expensive is gas in Los Angeles? Today on the way downtown on the Hollywood Freeway, I spotted a van with sixty legal Americans in it.

The UN Secretary General spoke to the General Assembly Monday and slammed Vladimir Putin for his barbarity. In retaliation against U.S. sanctions, the Russian leader slapped sanctions on CNN, the Bidens and the Clintons. Sometimes I think Vladimir Putin doesn't even WANT to be our president.

President Zelensky expressed thanks to the West for receiving his fleeing citizens in his speech to Congress Wednesday. Inspired, my neighbor posted a note seeking refugee help. He's volunteered to put up three young Ukrainian women in his home, and he needs somebody to take in his wife and kids.

Nancy Pelosi hailed President Zelensky's appearance before Congress Wednesday as a symbol of unity between two democracies. Why stop at just two? I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history was how one thousand islands managed to come together to form a single dressing.

President Zelensky got a cheering standing ovation from Congress in a speech that made history this past week. He was the only comedian in the world working on a Wednesday morning. After his reception by Congress, he might decide to flee to the United States just for the really easy audiences.

President Zelensky in his speech to Congress urged President Biden to be the leader of the world Wednesday. In response, Biden announced he's giving the Ukrainians eight hundred million dollars in top grade U.S. military hardware and weapons. The bad news is they have to go to Afghanistan to get it.

President Biden addressed the nation Wednesday a couple of hours after Zelensky's impassioned speech to Congress asking for tougher U.S. action against the Russians. Biden complied and imposed two tough new sanctions. Putin has to put his head on his desk for fifteen minutes and no outdoor recess.

President Biden delivered some very bad news to Putin Wednesday, telling Fox News he considers Putin a war criminal. The good news is, Putin has been nominated for the Nobel Prize for Medicine for single-handedly putting an end to corona virus in only three weeks time. Dr. Fauci, eat your heart out.

Russian peace negotiators reportedly accepted the idea of a non NATO Ukraine Wednesday but Ukraine balked at any concessions. I wouldn't poke the bear too hard. They say every cloud has a silver lining, but that's not true for mushroom clouds, they're mostly Caesnium-137 and Strontium-90.

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