July 7th, 2022


Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Argus Hamilton

By Argus Hamilton

Published March 17, 2022

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report
NFL teams are reported scrambling ahead of the player draft to strengthen defenses with veteran players in the pass-crazy league. This week the Dallas Cowboys made sure to re-sign safety Malik Hooker. When I saw the headline reading Cowboys Sign Hooker, I thought we were back in the Nineties.

The Draft Kings sports books in Las Vegas predicted a record amount of money will be wagered on March Madness, provoking discussions about the societal side-effects of gambling. This week everyone in Los Angeles is playing the California Mega Millions Lottery. First prize is a full tank of gas.

Fox Business reported oil prices plummeted Tuesday on news of peace talks between Russia and Ukraine and waning demand in China. No one's told the gas stations in L.A. Gas is so expensive in Beverly Hills that the wives who run over their cheating husbands in the driveway are having to carpool.

The Wall Street Journal reported Monday that high gasoline prices are forcing Uber drivers to add a fee on top of their driving rates in order to make up for fuel expenses. It's affecting the fast food industry as well. With gas prices so high, Taco Bell just added a surcharge to the Supreme Bean Burrito.

Jussie Smollett began serving his jail sentence in Chicago Monday for faking that hate crime on himself. To his credit he's upgraded his material. Jussie now says he was beaten up outside a Ukraine bio lab by two guys dressed as Nazis who poured vodka over him and shouted that this is NATO country!

The Academy Awards ceremony will return in all its glamour a week from Sunday as the movie industry resumes its annual rite of self congratulation. Lately I'm so tired of all the sequels and remakes, doesn't anyone have an original idea anymore? Not movies, I'm talking about World War III.

Ukraine's President Zelensky addressed Congress Wednesday seeking more military aid from the U.S. in an emergency spending bill. Lawmakers were so moved they used the bill to slip themselves a double-digit pay raise. Porn Hub broke into regular programming to cover the taxpayers getting screwed.

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Congress agreed to buy more armaments from U.S. arms manufacturers to send to Ukraine while Halliburton is poised to clean up the mess afterwards. This is the first time since the Cold War that the neo-cons have both parties on their side. Bars and restaurants now require proof of Ukraine support.

Forbes reports the Ukraine war has been a ratings bonanza for cable news channels with around the clock coverage of the fighting and human exodus. The day-to-day coverage is relentlessly dreary. Can someone please invade a tropical country where the refugees are more likely to be wearing bikinis?

Vladimir Putin faced domestic opposition to his war on Ukraine as Western sanctions began to take hold. Moscow has just retaliated against Western sanctions by announcing their own Russian export bans to Western nations. No word on what Biden will do to increase the domestic call girl market.

The European Parliament in Brussels this past week passed a bill that granted Ukraine candidate status to becoming a full-fledged member of the European Union. It will be no problem at all in the locker room. They will receive the UK embroidered towels and robes left behind by the United Kingdom.

The White House disclosed Monday that President Biden enlisted the support of Tik-Tok to help him convince kids that high gas prices are the fault of the Russians. It's rather alarming. Doesn't a seventy-nine year-old man going on Tik-Tok automatically trigger a visit from the Special Victims Unit?