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July 7th, 2022

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Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Argus Hamilton

By Argus Hamilton

Published March 2, 2022

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report
President Biden delivered his State of the Union speech to Congress Tuesday with world tensions at their most dangerous level in sixty years. Joe began the speech by assuring Americans our nation's security was in capable hands. It's always best to open with a good joke to get the audience on your side.

The UN held a special session on the Ukraine crisis Monday offering speeches which demanded that the parties avoid escalating into World War III. But think about it, a war between Russia and the West may be an idea worth trying. We've tried everything to get rid of Corona Virus except nuking it.

Billboard magazine says the biggest names in the music industry may hold a concert for Ukraine refugees. I think the producers of the Grammy Awards should arrange for Yoko Ono to perform a concert in Kiev. That should get the Russians to retreat, if the Ukrainians don't abandon the city as well.

Ukraine's President Zelensky was hailed as another Churchill Sunday, showing the qualities that stand-up comics bring to the public arena. I've been a comic longer than Zelensky's been alive and I have an idea that could end this war in thirty seconds. Has anybody tried giving Putin a Snickers Bar?

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White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki repeated the president's warning Friday that standing up for Ukraine may result in Americans feeling some pain. I got on the phone and ordered takeaway three hours ago and I'm already feeling like Vladimir Putin. I'm waiting ages for the Chinese to show up.

U.S. satellite photos revealed a forty-mile-long Russian convoy of troops, tanks, rocket launchers and artillery heading south toward the capital city of Kiev Monday. It appears Putin has decided no more Mister Nice Guy. It looks like it won't be long before Chernobyl is the safest place to be in Ukraine.

Russia's president Vladimir Putin's recent public pronouncements raised serious concerns about his isolated mental state. He uses no smartphone and stays completely off social media, which is a lucky thing for him. Starting World War III is a good way to land yourself in Facebook Jail for a month.

Vladimir Putin's sanity was questioned by Western leaders Monday after he delivered a warped history rant on TV and claimed Ukraine has always been a part of Russia. And then he raised the threat level of nuclear war. Putin's problem is that he is five-foot-six, but he thinks he is five-foot-seven.

Vladimir Putin lashed out at U.S. and EU military support for the Ukrainians and placed Russia's nuclear forces on High Alert. It's a phrase that jolts me personally and signifies its danger. If cocaine is ever legalized, the TV commercials for it can truthfully promise that cocaine will keep you high and alert.

The White House faced bi-partisan demands Monday to sanction the import of all Russian oil to the U.S. as computer companies joined in the boycott. Intel and AMD announced they've suspended shipment of chips to Russia. President Biden likes the idea so much he wants it extended to the salsa, too.

The Wall Street Journal reports Western sanctions on Russian businesses could seriously hurt the country's automobile manufacturing industry. Russia manufactures and exports the famously shaky Lada automobile. The last six pages of the car owner's manual are the bus and subway schedules.

The Pentagon responded to Putin raising the nuclear threat level with missile drills as Ukraine's leader demanded Biden provide protection. A crazy Russian dictator, a senile U.S. president and a Ukraine comic go into a bar. The bartender asks, where did the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse go?

President Zelensky's crisis management has people enjoying the leadership and rhetorical skills a comedian can provide. I'm certainly not presidential material. However, my ancestor Lord James Hamilton married James II's daughter Mary in 1487, so if you want to overthrow a King, I'm your guy.

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