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July 7th, 2022

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Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Argus Hamilton

By Argus Hamilton

Published March 1, 2022

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report
Russia"s Vladimir Putin announced Wednesday he"s launching what he called a special military operation against Ukraine. In late 2001, I actually met Putin at a White House gala and I got to speak with him backstage and Putin loves to kid around. I made him laugh so hard, he promised to kill me last.

President Biden addressed the world Thursday and slapped harsh sanctions on Russia. He was in and out, as always. That afternoon, Biden sat at his desk and he received vocal support from the BBC, the IMF, the NSC, and the OAS, and once he heard from the G-7 he held up his card and shouted Bingo!

Vice President Kamala Harris returned to DC on Wednesday after her trip to Brussels to attend meetings with the heads of state of NATO to discuss what to do with the Russians threatening to invade Ukraine and she emerged triumphant. She"s done it again. She"s achieved open borders for Ukraine, too.

The State Department this week ordered the entire U.S. Embassy staff evacuated to Poland ahead of a possible Russian invasion. The situation was highlighted by one heroic rescue. The good news is, Hunter Biden was able to get a storage unit full of cash loaded onto the last helicopter out of Ukraine.

Russia"s Vladimir Putin on Wednesday refused to take a call from Ukraine"s President Zelensky as their three-way chess game with the U.S. escalated. For his next move President Putin recognized two breakaway Ukrainian republics. In response President Biden didn"t recognize First Lady Jill Biden.

President Biden met with the National Security Council Wednesday to discuss counter-measures against Russia. The good news is, the Biden Administration has just offered billions of dollars of top grade U.S. military equipment to Ukraine. The bad news is, Ukrainians have to go to Afghanistan to get it.

Russian preceded its air bombardment by launching cyber attacks on Ukraine Wednesday. Putin needs to be very judicious in the use of cyber attacks or risk a terrible backlash. Oh sure, freeze their bank accounts, but you"ll turn millions of men into the Viet Cong if you cut off their access to Porn Hub.

The White House slapped more sanctions on Russia Wednesday as Putin repeated his resolve to prevent Ukraine from joining NATO. The next day, the Biden Administration went a little too far in its claims of Russian aggression. For starters Bob Saget was NOT clubbed to death by Yakov Smirnov.

The Wall Street Journal reported Wednesday growing support for sanctioning Russia across all the major U.S. industries and high tech companies and even sports entities. The NFL owners issued a statement expressing their support for Ukraine. They promised they are finished with Russian prostitutes.

The White House dismissed questions over U.S. support for Ukraine Tuesday stating we"re taking a stand for democracy. Ukraine"s government is a den of thieves that jailed its rival party"s leader, shut down opposition media, and made the Bidens rich. As democracies go, we could be identical twins.

President Zelensky went on TV and spoke Russian asking them to get Putin to call off the dogs of war. Zelensky was a top stand-up comic in Eastern Europe. It"s taught me never to threaten a huge, angry heckler that I"ll join NATO to shut him up if I don"t want him to join me onstage and beat me up.

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The Ukraine crisis brought huge TV ratings to cable news last weekend with CNN rebounding, second to Fox News. The round-the-clock coverage is cheering Ukraine"s resistance and booing the invading Russians. Say what you want about Vladimir Putin, at least he brought an end to the pandemic.

The Sydney Herald reported Saturday a second bloody shark attack in a month in the waters off eastern Australia. To be fair, the shark explained that it was just peacefully annexing the surfer"s left arm. Historically, the shark explained that the arm had always been his and he was simply reclaiming it.

The Border Patrol reports two hundred thousand illegal aliens have already crossed the southern border into the U.S. this year. The flood of women refugees from Eastern Europe could have one upside. When you go on a porn site and it says there are plenty of Ukraine girls in your area, they might be right.

Moscow police clamped down hard Saturday on Russian college students protesting the invasion of Ukraine. Russia"s media is explaining that the purpose of attacking the people of Ukraine is to save the people of Ukraine. Look, I know the president of Ukraine is a comedian, but he can"t be THAT bad.

Ukraine president Zelensky agreed to send an emissary to negotiate with Putin Sunday. Comics at the Comedy Store know that Putin had better settle with Zelensky quickly, or he could risk losing his entire army. Putin doesn"t know what we know, that the more a comedian bombs, the better he gets.

New York City was the center of street protests and angry demonstrations outside the UN against the Russian invasion of Ukraine over the weekend. Manhattan bartenders on Friday began pouring Russian vodka down their bar drains in protest. Three days later, rats began showing up at AA meetings.

The Hollywood Reporter disclosed that most moviemaking in Ukraine has been put on hold while the fighting is raging there. Sean Penn just happened to be in Ukraine filming a documentary when the Russian soldiers crossed the border. Casualties will be even higher if anybody tries to take his picture.

Russian News reported that the invasion of Ukraine was ordered to clear out neo-Nazis and drug addicts infesting Ukraine"s leadership. On the second day, the Russian army had residents of the nuclear reactor site city of Chernobyl surrounded. They ordered the locals to come out with their fins up.

The U.S. canceled Russia from SWIFT, which processes all banking transactions between Western nations. Russian prostitutes who use online banking for their transactions have had their accounts frozen by the sanctions. They are not as highly paid as Chinese prostitutes like LeBron James and Nike.

Germany announced Sunday it was sending Ukraine Stinger anti-tank missiles, and who makes better killer rockets than the Germans? It started a chain reaction of human generosity. It inspired Mexico to send Ukraine a ton of top-grade Fentanyl and China to air-freight their latest, improved virus.

Ukraine"s army inspired the world with their ferocious resistance Friday while Putin declared he invaded Ukraine to free it of fascists and drug dealers. Facebook announced it will allow posts praising Ukraine"s Azov Battalion even though they are fervent neo-Nazis. At least they"re not Canadian truckers.

The U.S. and Europe turned up pressure on Russia Saturday by cutting Russia off from the SWIFT banking system that clears international financial transactions. I have to admit I"m getting tired of all the Ukraine coverage. Can we just fast-forward to the part where Putin shoots himself in the bunker?

Vladimir Putin issued a chilling warning Friday saying any country that helps Ukraine will face severe consequences. When Putin countered U.S. sanctions by raising the nuclear threat level, it looked like it would be Biden"s foreign policy that started World War III. Admit it, you thought it"d be Trump"s.

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