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Jewish World Review March 28, 2016 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• Senator Elizabeth Warren emerged as a possible Hillary VP selection in TV media discussions Friday. It would cause a stir. If you think Indians are mad about the nickname Redskins, just wait until Elizabeth Warren is the president and the band plays Hail to the Chief when she enters the room.
• Ohio governor John Kasich told reporters Thursday he’s staying in the GOP race in order to force a deadlock on the convention floor. He’s self-inspiring. John Kasich said he will fight all the way to Cleveland, which may not sound like much of a fight, but you haven’t seen their potholes.
• The GOP primary race has its next stop in Wisconsin a week from Tuesday. It’s gotten way too dirty. Parents are now turning off the TV whenever Donald Trump and Ted Cruz fight over their wives’ looks and forcing their kids to watch the Hulk Hogan tapes to see better parenting role models.
• President Obama was seen tango dancing in Argentina the night after ISIS attacked Belgium. It sent a message from the U.S. to the world. We may not be able to stop ISIS, we may not be able to wipe out ISIS, but when it comes to dance contests, we are still the world’s only superpower.
• John Kerry flew to Moscow Thursday to butt heads with the very macho Vladimir Putin in the Kremlin and try to find a political solution to the Syrian civil war. The other night, Vladimir Putin struck and killed a deer. He said he feels terrible about it but when he’s jogging he’s in his own world.
• Interpol went hunting for the ISIS terrorists in Muslim neighborhoods after they hit Belgium Tuesday. The group strikes fear wherever they plant the black flag. ISIS co-opted the black flag as the symbol of terror after the Oakland Raiders disgraced it by losing games and doing charity work.
• Men’s Health reports tens of thousands of Baby Boomers will live past the age of one hundred due to daily exercise and careful eating. The Census Bureau said there are still five people alive who were born in the nineteenth century. What’s even more amazing, they’re each running for re-election.
• Sarah Palin signed a deal Friday to be the judge on a court TV show just like the Judge Judy show. She will decide cases of drunken behavior, property destruction, paternity claims and child custody cases. The only question now is, will she recuse herself when her children are the defendants.
• End of Days is a book about the JFK assassination saying Jack Kennedy’s brain was removed during the autopsy and then stored in the National Archive where it was stolen by Bobby Kennedy. It’s unbelievable. There was a time in this country when politicians actually had brains worth stealing.
• Belgian police were reported looking for a notorious ISIS bomb-maker who likely engineered the terrorist attacks on Monday. After victories in Paris, San Bernardino and Brussels, ISIS has made it to the Final Four. President Obama is baffled, it’s the furthest a JV team has ever advanced.
• Hillary Clinton declared that demonizing Muslims is wrong Wednesday in a hastily arranged speech at Stanford University about counter-terrorism. Hillary was originally scheduled to give a speech on American strength. It’s a tribute to the capacity of polyester pants to withstand anything.
• Donald Trump brought back his call to ban Muslim immigrants until they’ve been thoroughly vetted Tuesday. Strict entrance rules work in some situations. Emirates Airline is the only airline where if you start to feel any turbulence in the cabin, it just means you’ve strayed into Israeli airspace.
• President Obama attended a ballgame in Havana Tuesday between Cuba and the Tampa Bay Rays and discussed the Brussels terror attacks with ESPN from his seats. The intelligence was still sketchy. He was unable to say exactly how many outs there were or how many runners were on base.
• President Obama apologized in Argentina for the CIA helping overthrow Juan Peron’s widow Isabel Peron in 1976. She’d seized power when her husband died but the generals threw her out. The success of that coup convinced Hillary not to kill Bill in 2000 and take the elected route to power.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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