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Jewish World Review March 1, 2016 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• Hillary Clinton began directing her campaign fire at Donald Trump on Thursday. He worries many Democrats. Seventy percent of Democrats in a poll said a Trump presidency would make them feel anxious, while thirty percent said that a Trump presidency would make them feel Canadian.
• Democratic socialist Bernie Sanders supporters started a dating website for Bernie Sanders voters who are looking to hook up romantically with someone who's compatible. It's called Bernie Mingle. Of course, the Clinton campaign already has a dating website. They call it Ashley Madison.
• Donald Trump revealed Thursday he can't release his income tax returns because he's in the middle of a three-year audit. It's no secret why. Four years ago, Trump spearheaded the effort to find Obama's birth certificate and the IRS is helping him look for it in his business travel expenses.
• Donald Trump got into a nasty exchange with Donald Trump over immigration policy during the GOP debate Thursday. It didn't end well. Marco Rubio declared he will not deport illegal immigrants living in the U.S., a policy otherwise known as dropping out of the GOP presidential race. •
Donald Trump explained he can't release his tax returns because he's in the middle of a three-year-long IRS audit. The accounting is not the point of contention. The only thing that Donald Trump claimed on his tax returns is that he is the greatest, and that's why the audit is taking so long.
• Donald Trump's CNN poll numbers showed that he's carrying all classes of voters. Americans are more far class-conscious than is acknowledged. The locals in Las Vegas who play the nickel slot machines look over at the people playing the penny slot machines and consider them white trash.
• Donald Trump last week vowed to get tougher libel laws passed when he's president to protect people from being slandered by the media. It's brutal in the arena. The Enquirer last week claimed that O.J. was Bill Cosby's drug dealer, and if that's not true, how will O.J. ever get his good name back?
• Florida Senator Marco Rubio found himself fighting for his political life over the weekend with Donald Trump leading him in Florida. He looks as young as a teenager. Before the GOP debate in Houston on Thursday night, a rich Texas donor gave Marco Rubio a million dollars to park his car.
• GOP candidates took turns claiming to be the best defender of the Second Amendment. During the GOP debate Thursdaynight, Marco Rubio said guns are America's last line of defense against ISIS. The first line of defense is pretending that you're not home when the terrorists ring the doorbell.
• Marco Rubio accused Trump of Mafia ties, KKK sympathy and prejudice against black people, Hispanics, Asian and Muslims. Let's hope not. If that's true then this isn't a presidential campaign, this is a remake of Blazing Saddles and Hedley Lamar is leading in the polls by a three-to-one margin.
• Marco Rubio was forced to ask Governor Nikki Haley speak for him onstage Monday because the Florida senator had talked himself hoarse in speeches all weekend attacking Donald Trump. It's a common occupational hazard in politics. Laryngitis is God's gift to people who know everything.
• President Obama will fly to Cuba this month despite fierce opposition from Cuban-Americans and Republicans. It's only natural. When most Republicans think about a successful presidential visit to Cuba, the image that comes to mind is Teddy Roosevelt leading the charge up San Juan Hill.
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Ku Klux Klan former Grand Wizard David Duke told his radio listeners a vote against Trump is treason against their heritage. He's right on schedule. David Duke always mistakes the huge sales totals from the previous week's President's Day white sales as an indication that recruiting is up.
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Weight Watchers stock crashed last week, costing its new investor Oprah Winfrey twenty-six million dollars. It could affect their marketing credibility. When Oprah does a commercial saying she lost twenty-six pounds on Weight Watchers, it was twenty-six pounds of one-hundred-dollar bills.
• The Automobile Club reported that gasoline prices hit new lows this week in oil states as world oil prices remained mired under thirty dollars a barrel. Analysts say very soon, gasoline will be cheaper than water in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, and healthier than water in Flint, Michigan.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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