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Jewish World Review March 3, 2015 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• Interpol reported that South America is now a hotbed of illegal human fat peddling for cosmetic laboratories. Human fat-trafficking rings in Peru are now selling cellulite to European cosmetic doctors for sixty thousand dollars per gallon. Kim Kardashian just realized she's sitting on a gold mine.
• ISIS executioner Jihadi John was identified Friday as a Kuwaiti-born young man from London named Mohammed Emwazi. His sword-wielding image inspires many. Hundreds of young Americans are signing up to enlist in a group that threatens Homeland Security, they're going to run for Congress.
• Treasury investigators said they found IRS official Lois Lerner's emails that may show the White House used the IRS to target conservatives. The IRS testified that Lois's e-mails were lost when her computer crashed. It crashed when Barack Obama threw it out of Air Force One at forty thousand feet.
• Christie's Auctions in London announced they'll auction a vial of Winston Churchill's blood. His doctor allowed the great man a daily regimen of brandy, cigars and champagne and he lived to be ninety. Winston Churchill is the father of the idea that if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor.
• The Supreme Court will rule on the constitutionality of Obamacare this month after problems with the website, higher premiums and non-existent state exchanges. It's so screwed up. Last night the Obamacare website routed me to iTunes and now Hookers and Blow is my primary health care provider.
• Donald Trump was a huge crowd favorite speaking at the CPAC convention Friday. He's really concerned about what he sees as weakness in United States foreign policy. At the rate the Russians have been expanding, Donald Trump may have to start ordering his wives from this side of the Danube.
• New York governor Andrew Cuomo announced he will fly to Cuba in April to discuss resuming trade and cultural ties between N.Y. and Havana. He needs to bring a Ouija board to seal the deal. Mr. Lansky has been dead for thirty-two years but he wants his hotels back before anything can happen.
• Washington D.C. officially legalized the possession and home growing of marijuana at midnight on Thursday. The city is now the only national capital in the world where pot is legal. The next day the president confronted Michelle and claimed half of her White House garden as community property.
• Moody's announced it's downgraded the bond rating for Chicago municpal bonds Friday which significantly reduced the city's credit rating. Now as a result, Chicago's municipal bonds are only two steps away from junk due to unfunded liabilities. Millions of dead voters risk not receiving their payoffs.
• The FCC targeted telecoms and voted to impose net neutrality on the Internet, making the World Wide Web subject to U.S. government regulations. It was inevitable. For twenty-five years, the Internet has provided a marketplace for free speech, free commerce and free artistic expression, so it had to go.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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