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Jewish World Review March 2, 2015 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• Phoenix was site of a televised car chase when a black llama and a white llama escaped captivity Thursday and led pursuers on a wild Arizona road chase. Cowboys in a pursuing truck finally roped them. They captured the black llama first, prompting the Justice Department to launch an investigation.
• President Obama vetoed the Keystone Pipeline Wednesday despite bi-partisan support for the massive construction project, canceling tens of thousands of good jobs. One federal worker was laid off immediately. John Boehner called the veto a national embarrassment, and that's Joe Biden's job.
• Director of Intelligence James Clapper told Congress the U.S. has never faced so many terrorist threats from abroad as we face now. They listen to everything. The good news is, if you can't remember the time you promised to pick up the baby sitter, you can call the NSA and they will play it back for you.
• Washington D.C. legalized the possession of marijuana Thursday, joining Colorado, Washington state and Alaska where pot is legal now. The Baby Boomers can finally retire now, our work is done here. In ten years, the most visited shrine in Washington D.C. will be the Cheech and Chong Memorial.
• The White House dropped the phrase illegal immigrants Thursday for the phrase Americans-in-waiting to placate them. They've risen from illegal aliens to illegal immigrants to Americans in Waiting, but that's not enough. They want British titles or the construction boom is over in this country.
• ISIS released a new video Thursday of ISIS fighters destroying three-thousand-year-old artifacts and statues with sledgehammers. They destroyed priceless ancient statues, ancient busts and ancient relics. The Antiquities Commission just advised the FBI to move Larry King to an undisclosed location.
• ISIS video executioner Jihadi John was identified as British subject Mohammed Emwazi last week from all the grisly videos of his recent executions. He earned a London degree in computer science. Hollywood can forget about casting snipers, it may take the Headless Horseman to kill this guy.
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Secretary of State John Kerry told the Senate Wednesday that the threat of death by terrorism is lower today for Americans than it's ever been in history. The next day the intel chief told Congress the threat of terror has never been more dangerous for Americans. The Obama Administration is like the guy who's both a taxidermist and a veterinarian, either way he promises he'll get your dog back to you.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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