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Jewish World Review March 24, 2014 / 22 Adar II, 5774 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• President Obama appeared live on ESPN Wednesday to perform his annual chore filling out his NCAA basketball tournament bracket card. The president admitted to viewers that his selections conform to prevailing conventional wisdom. He's picking team Russia to win it all.
• The U.S. and British governments announced joint military exercises with Ukraine's army to face down the Russians. So now Americans face two unexplainable mysteries. Where is the missing Malaysian airliner and who put the bust of Winston Churchill back in the Oval Office?
• Courtney Love claimed she found the Malaysian airliner while inspecting online satellite photos and saw an oil slick surrounding a jumbo-sized floating fuselage. It may be time to go to rehab again. The FBI investigated the sighting and thanked Courtney for discovering Florida.
• The White House pastry chef quit saying Michelle won't let him cook with cream, butter, sugar or eggs. Last week the Secret Service caught three men jumping over the White House fence. They were presidential advisors who'd heard the Popsicle truck coming down the street.
• The London Film Museum opened a Bond in Motion exhibit Friday, displaying all the cars that James Bond drove in his movies. The next movie is undergoing a production delay. James Bond has been on hold for a year now, which will teach him to call the Obamacare hotline.
• General Motors recalled over a million SUVs over its airbags Tuesday. GM is finally in the black and in the midst of a huge corporate comeback. It's amazing what five years of hard work, teamwork, determination and Toyotas rolling over and crashing into trees can do for you.
• Toyota agreed to a billion dollar settlement with the Justice Department to settle sudden acceleration liability of the automaker. They're protecting the stockholders. Toyota just introduced the five-year warranty, safe in the knowledge that the car will likely kill you by then.
• Oklahoma delayed the execution of two convicted murderers last week when the state ran out of lethal injection drugs. Sources for the drugs have dried up due to pressure from anti-capital punishment groups. Texas governor Rick Perry gave up and installed electric bleachers.
• The Mega-Millions Lottery was won by two people in Florida and Maryland Tuesday who will split a four hundred million dollar jackpot. The winners say they're going to do what all big jackpot winners do. They plan to go back to Mexico and migrate to the United States legally.
• AP reporters and photographers attacked the White House for limiting press access to President Obama. The president prefers to go through social media to make news. It softens the blow if your announcement about doing nothing about Russia is accompanied by a cat video.
• The U.S. Air Force received Australia's permission to search for the missing airliner off the southwest coast. It's already a partisan issue in Washington. Democrats say it's unfortunate that the missing plane situation is reinforcing the old racist stereotype that Malaysians are always losing planes and Republicans just want to know if everybody got their second beverage.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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