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Jewish World Review March 10, 2014 / 8 Adar II, 5774 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• Russia's Vladimir Putin was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize Friday. We're all betting on his curiosity now. The winner isn't announced until mid-October, so at the very least the nomination gives mankind another seven months to fully test the Emergency Alert System.
• The Massachusetts Supreme Court ruled that it's perfectly legal to take cellphone photos up underneath women's skirts if they are in a public place in Massachusetts. That's crazy. Only in Los Angeles is underneath a woman's skirt universally considered to be a public place.
• The Los Angeles Marathon is run Sunday over twenty-six miles of road between Dodgers Stadium and the Santa Monica pier. It's popular . Every year, hundreds of thousands of locals show up on the street to enjoy the novelty of watching black men chase a Los Angeles police car.
• Santa Monica cannot ban barking dogs from endangering runners at the L.A. marathon finish line today. The city allows homeless to own their own dogs. Your first reaction is, how nice for the homeless, but the poor dog has got to be wondering if this walk is ever going to end.
• The White House changed Obamacare again Tuesday to exempt current health care plan holders for three more years. ObamaCare was passed by Congress intending to provide health care for every American. After thirty-eight changes since it became law, it is now a dam in Idaho.
• The Treasury Department reported that the national debt officially hit seventeen trillion dollars Friday only three weeks after Congress passed the debt extension bill. The U.S. debt amount is astronomical. America hasn't been attacked by this many zeroes since Pearl Harbor.
• Asiana Airlines was fined for its belly-flop landing on a Tokyo to San Francisco flight last year by the Transporation Department. The FAA blamed it on a computer problem, but that's fishy. Who in their right mind believes that a planeload of Asians can't fix a computer problem?
• Crimea's parliament voted Friday to separate from Ukraine and join Russia. It will now be put to a popular vote in Crimea. Once they become Russians, they will become eligible for Russia's national health care plan, which is a lifetime of potatoes, made easier by cirrhosis.
• Hillary Clinton pointed out Thursday it was Bill Clinton twenty years ago who committed the U.S. to the defense of Ukraine when he was president. She had to laugh off Vladimir Putin's claim likening Bill's policy to that of the Nazis. For crying out loud, his last girlfriend was Jewish.
• The U.S. soccer team lost to Ukraine's soccer team in Cyprus Thursday in what the Russian press called a Nazi intra-squad game. The close loss is a sign of progress. After forty years of striving to become a world power in soccer, the U.S. has risen all the way to Nazi B-team status.
• John Kerry faced off with Russia's foreign minister over the Ukraine crisis Tuesday. He's fought in a war, opposed that war, threw his war medals over the White House fence and then ran for president as a war hero. John Kerry fought in Vietnam for your right to be strange.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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