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Jewish World Review March 22, 2004 /29 Adar, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig vowed Tuesday to crack down on steroid use by players. It could be worse. Thank goodness the players don't take the same hormones Colonel Sanders feeds his chickens or Barry Bonds would be white and even plumper through the chest.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland held induction ceremonies last week. It's a fun place to visit. They have a program that teaches teens all about rock and roll culture and which antibiotics are the most effective treatment for it.

Donald Trump filed an application with the government to trademark the words "You're Fired." This is why the man is a legend in the business world. He's the only guy in America who's figured out a guaranteed way to make money in this economy.

John Kerry went snowboarding in Idaho Friday and fell down six times. He is sixty years old and attempting a daredevil extreme sport. You would think the presidential nomination would be enough for someone going through a mid-life crisis.

John Kerry greatly amused the press corps Friday by falling off his snowboard on Durrance Peak six times in forty-five minutes. His supporters may not be that amused. The Teamsters are not going to stand by and tolerate non-union leg breaking.

Martha Stewart's TV show was canceled by CBS last Monday and she had to resign from the board of Revlon. It just wasn't her day. Imagine the look of horror on her face when her probation officer told her she can't have a summer cell in the Hamptons.

President Bush urged the world Friday to stand firm against Madrid terrorist bombers. Freeways may be the best defense. Al- Qaeda would run out of dynamite trying to kill every commuter who drives alone in a car to Los Angeles every morning.

The Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Bureau said Tuesday the NCAA basketball tournament is the year's second-biggest betting event. What a town. The reason why the bellhops in Las Vegas hotels look so distinguished is because a week ago they were customers.

John Kerry took off for a five-day vacation in Idaho Thursday. Every time he returns from one of these vacations he looks ten years younger. John Kerry's face is so full of plastic that someday he will have to be buried in a blue recycling bin.

John Kerry is vacationing with wife Teresa Heinz at her chateau in Idaho. His first wife was worth $300 million and his second wife is worth $700 million. When John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy he's got the resume to back it up.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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