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Jewish World Review March 10, 2004 /17 Adar, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Whitewater convict Susan McDougal painted a grim picture of prison harassment ahead for Martha Stewart. Not so fast. Martha Stewart might be the most popular convict in the slammer when she shows other inmates how dustballs can be knitted into escape ropes.

The Martha Stewart name sank in value Monday as companies dropped everything with her signature. She kept her married name Stewart long after her divorce because it made her sound like a Connecticut Protestant. Her real last name is Enron.

Martha Stewart was convicted of lying about a stock trade and not for inside trading. It was the corporate equivalent of Richard Nixon's Watergate scandal. Of all people, Martha Stewart should know that it's not the crime, it's the coverlet.

John Kerry did a town hall meeting in Florida. He angered blacks by equating gay rights with civil rights and angered gays by not backing same-sex marriage. Leave it to a Democratic Party unity event to make a candidate miss the Vietnam War.

O.J. Simpson was sued by DirecTV Monday for stealing satellite signals with bootleg boxes in his Florida home. Nobody in Los Angeles is surprised. We knew when he killed his wife and the waiter that someday this guy would come to no good.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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