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Jewish World Review March 8, 2004 /15 Adar, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Saddam Hussein was visited by the International Red Cross Monday. They can't say where he's being held. All they can say is that he's being held in a jail cell in a secure location under heavy guard, otherwise known as Martha Stewart Living.

John Kerry drew cheers Friday as he spoke French to a crowd in Louisiana. He kept talking until he was hoarse. John Kerry is so in love with the sound of his own voice he should be running against Wayne Newton for King of the Las Vegas Strip.

The Sopranos began its fifth season Sunday on HBO about a Mafia family who live in New Jersey. In the first episode, Tony Soprano has to unload two clips of ammunition into a guy before he finally dies. Steroids are a problem in every sport.

Newsweek profiled the culture war dividing Americans this election year. The nation was founded by the culture wars between easy-grace Cavaliers and moralist Puritans and it's the same war four centuries later. How can baseball fans rebuke Barry Bonds for taking muscle-building tablets when America is England on steroids?

Barry Bonds refused all comment Thursday about steroids. Mark McGwire admits bulking up on androstenedione. By the time the home run record is returned to Roger Maris's family it will have made more wrong turns than Jessica Lynch's convoy.

Bill Clinton sent an e-mail message Tuesday calling for Democratic Party unity. He just won a Grammy for narrating a symphony. You know the world is upside down when Bill Clinton wins a Grammy and Janet Jackson is the subject of a government sex investigation.

John Kerry will embark upon a fundraising tour to raise one hundred and five million dollars. Every penny counts. He needs five million for campaign ads and a hundred million so he can look his wife in the eye with some dignity and self-respect.

President Vicente Fox met with President Bush on Friday. Mexico's president is not allowed to come to the U.S. without the approval of Mexico's Senate. That makes Vicente Fox the only Mexican who cannot cross the border whenever the mood hits him.

Haiti roiled in anarchy and street violence Thursday as U.S. Marines scrambled to try to halt looting of businesses. The wealthy fled the country for fear of their lives. This isn't so much a civil war as it is a Democratic Party fantasy camp.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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