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Jewish World Review March 1, 2004 /8 Adar, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | The Draft Hillary organization set up shop in Massachusetts Friday. They are asking voters to write in her name on Tuesday's primary ballot. They don't think Teresa Heinz Kerry is imperious enough to satisfy America's secret longing for a queen.

Pakistan stepped up military operations at the border Friday to try to track down Osama bin Laden. According to intelligence reports, he is hiding in some place where no U.S. soldier will ever find him. Osama bin Laden is in Haiti.

Michael Jackson was stopped by police in Colorado Friday after he shopped at a Wal-Mart while wearing a ski mask and a worker called the cops. Coloradans were not happy he was there. Football coach Gary Barnett said not only is he a girl, he's terrible.

CNN sponsored a Democratic party presidential debate Thursday at the University of Southern California. John Kerry and John Edwards sat shoulder-to-shoulder and smiled the entire evening. It looked like they just fell off a gay wedding cake.

The Democratic presidential debate in Los Angeles Thursday featured some unexpected fireworks. Recalled governor Gray Davis was an invited guest in the audience. After the debate they put him in a plastic box and blew him up to remove the curse.

Baltimore Ravens star running back Jamal Lewis was indicted on conspiracy to purchase cocaine Thursday. It's a never-ending story. If NFL players don't get their acts together by next season, first downs will be measured by real chain gangs.

Winston Churchill was honored on Thursday at Cuba's cigar festival as one of the great cigar smokers in history. The island is famous for its rich tobacco blends. Cuba's cigars are so good they are used as a recruiting ploy by the Taliban.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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