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Jewish World Review Feb. 28, 2003 / 26 Adar I, 5763

James Lileks

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Roadmap to peace? | The immediate future of international diplomacy, revealed:

Feb 28, 2003. Resolution 1883: "Be it resolved, in the sternest and most serious sense of the word, that the resolute members of the Security Council declare the government of Iraq to be 'naughty' for not obeying the previous resolutions. Be it further resolved that Saddam Hussein should go to his room (defined her as any enclosed space in any of his palaces, but not any such room as contains a television, phone, computer, Playstation or other such entertainment device) for sixty days and think about what he has done.

"Failure to comply will result in the full text of the UN Charter read to the Iraq ambassador by a senior diplomat with horrible denture breath."

April 31, 2003. Resolution 1999: "Be it resolved that the Security Council, upon considering the latest report from the Inspectors as well as examining their burned, bullet-ridden corpses, has determined that the government of Iraq is not cooperating to the fullest extent required by 189 previous resolutions, and must immediately comply with the Council's request to return the personal items and toiletries left behind by the inspectors. Failure to comply will result in loss of warm-towel privileges in the UN cafeteria men's room."

May 9, 2003. Iraq announces it has not only returned all of the personal items, but replaced the half-used toiletries left by the dead inspectors with fresh, unopened items. Sen. Chuck Hegel remarks that this proves "inspections are working."

May 10, 2003. Iraq submits a $23.7 million bill for the toiletries to the UN Oil-for-Food program, and insists that failure to pay will result in the deaths of thousands of Iraqis. Iraqi officials note that since they expect the bill will be refused, they have pre-killed several thousand people to save time.

June 03, 2003. News report: "In a stunning turnaround, the government of Iraq announced that it had sold all its WMD to the Bush administration in a secret deal concluded the evening of Sept. 10, 2001. Congressional Democrats immediately pressed for an investigation, and French diplomats wondered in private whether the UN might now turn its attention to Bush's 'palaces' in Texas, Maine, and the District of Columbia. Iraqi citizens began showing up around the US, volunteering to be human shields to protect government buildings from EU attacks."

July 14, 2003. The Bush administration submits Resolution #3.142J (cq), which states: "Whereupon the Iraqi government has refused to - oh, nevermind. What's the point." The resolution is vetoed by China, France, Russia, Germany, and the newest member of the Security Council, Iraq. Pundits note that the ascension of Iraq to the Council will complicate any future resolutions, especially since the seat comes with off-street parking in New York. Previously Iraq had to park on the side streets near the UN, and the US was able to use Iraq's outstanding parking tickets as a means of applying pressure to Saddam. But now that lever is gone.

September 2, 2003 Iraq declares it has nothing to hide, and admits a French force of 3000 inspectors. Two-thousand, nine-hundred and fifty-seven of them immediately find mistresses. The remainder uncover the bodies of Judge Crater and Amelia Earhart, as well as the Holy Grail, an intact version of Orson Welles' "Magnificent Ambersons," and a different version of Hillary Clinton's Rose Law Firm billing records. Sen. Chuck Hegel remarks that this proves "inspections are working." He also says the same thing when he finds his house keys in his coat pocket, and when a homeless man asks for a quarter.

January 2, 2004 The UN passes Resolution 9999, which lifts the sanctions on Iraq and demands that the US to withdraw all troops in the area, or the UN will triple the number of diplomats stationed in New York. February 7, 2004: US withdrawal is complete. February 8: Iraq expels the inspectors. February 9: The United States introduces a resolution that threatens Iraq with military action if the inspectors are not readmitted in three months. August 9: The US begins to deploy troops in Kuwait.

December 12, 2004: Susan Sarandon, Al Sharpton, Congressman Dennis Kucinich and 400 other notables issues a press release decrying "the rush to war."

JWR contributor James Lileks is a columnist for the Minneapolis Star Tribune. Comment by clicking here.


02/13/03: We live in an age where the poet has been cast out from the halls of power --- sob, sob
02/10/03: Found: League for International Justice and Peace talking points
01/30/03: The US can go to war whenever it likes for its own reasons, and all the UN can do is pass more worthless paper
01/23/03: People who'd volunteer for the Iraqi army if they saw Saddam wearing a "Free Mumia" button
01/16/03: One of those head vs. heart things
12/27/02: Whistleblowers?
01/06/02: The second year of this jangled millennium
11/16/01: Attack of the 'Patriotism police' and other Hollywood fare
11/12/01: From the bleats of dismay
10/30/01: Osama and the Genie
10/08/01: "We can stop the Bush Death Juggernaut"
11/04/01: America, loathe or it leave it
09/25/01: Do the Europeans actually think that the war on murderous zealotry will be furthered by undercutting America?
08/27/01: If the economy is in a funk, why aren't we dancing?
08/14/01: Dubyah's embarrassing presidential vacation
08/10/01: Hail to our co-chiefs?
08/03/01: Constitution: George the Uniter picked a doozy to unify detractors
07/25/01: The real reason why we need missile defense (What those uppity policy wonks won't tell you!)
06/18/01: Paining the egalitarian soul
06/01/01: One of the stranger indexes you'll ever hear about
05/21/01: One man's toke is another man's snort
05/08/01: Republicans want poisoned water
04/23/01: We bleat as we're sheared
04/10/01: Boys will be boys. And that's the problem
04/06/01: Pity the anti-American Left, they're gonna have a hard time on this one
03/26/01: You've been warned
03/16/01: The GOP's inexplicable desire to fold
02/23/01: Will the Jeb Bush administration attack Saddam in 2011?
02/09/01: In search of the the first ashtray thrown by a member of the First Family
02/06/01: Can you say 'Ayatollah Bush'?
01/24/01: The new Executive Orders
01/22/01: Hey, Dubya: Wanna save Ashcroft? Teach him to rap!
01/09/01: Bubba gets his last licks
01/05/01: The low-down on the coming recession (What those snooty economists won't tell you)
12/23/00: Memo to Dubya: Wanna show who is boss? Nuke 'em!
12/06/00: The Count of Carthage
At the Sore/Loserman Transition HQ
12/01/00: The Count of Carthage
11/28/00: Clinton knows history isn't written by the victors anymore
11/17/00: Chad's the word
11/08/00: The strangest political night
11/07/00: Get ready to return to the Dark Ages

© 2003, James Lileks