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Jewish World Review Feb. 28, 2003 / 26 Adar I, 5763
James Lileks
Roadmap to peace?
Feb 28, 2003. Resolution 1883: "Be it resolved, in the sternest and most serious sense of the word, that the resolute
members of the Security Council declare the government of Iraq to be 'naughty' for not obeying the previous resolutions. Be
it further resolved that Saddam Hussein should go to his room (defined her as any enclosed space in any of his palaces, but
not any such room as contains a television, phone, computer, Playstation or other such entertainment device) for sixty days
and think about what he has done.
"Failure to comply will result in the full text of the UN Charter read to the Iraq ambassador by a senior diplomat with horrible
denture breath."
April 31, 2003. Resolution 1999: "Be it resolved that the Security Council, upon considering the latest report from the
Inspectors as well as examining their burned, bullet-ridden corpses, has determined that the government of Iraq is not
cooperating to the fullest extent required by 189 previous resolutions, and must immediately comply with the Council's
request to return the personal items and toiletries left behind by the inspectors. Failure to comply will result in loss of
warm-towel privileges in the UN cafeteria men's room."
May 9, 2003. Iraq announces it has not only returned all of the personal items, but replaced the half-used toiletries left by the
dead inspectors with fresh, unopened items. Sen. Chuck Hegel remarks that this proves "inspections are working."
May 10, 2003. Iraq submits a $23.7 million bill for the toiletries to the UN Oil-for-Food program, and insists that failure to
pay will result in the deaths of thousands of Iraqis. Iraqi officials note that since they expect the bill will be refused, they have
pre-killed several thousand people to save time.
June 03, 2003. News report: "In a stunning turnaround, the government of Iraq announced that it had sold all its WMD to the
Bush administration in a secret deal concluded the evening of Sept. 10, 2001. Congressional Democrats immediately pressed
for an investigation, and French diplomats wondered in private whether the UN might now turn its attention to Bush's
'palaces' in Texas, Maine, and the District of Columbia. Iraqi citizens began showing up around the US, volunteering to be
human shields to protect government buildings from EU attacks."
July 14, 2003. The Bush administration submits Resolution #3.142J (cq), which states: "Whereupon the Iraqi government has
refused to - oh, nevermind. What's the point." The resolution is vetoed by China, France, Russia, Germany, and the newest
member of the Security Council, Iraq. Pundits note that the ascension of Iraq to the Council will complicate any future
resolutions, especially since the seat comes with off-street parking in New York. Previously Iraq had to park on the side
streets near the UN, and the US was able to use Iraq's outstanding parking tickets as a means of applying pressure to
Saddam. But now that lever is gone.
September 2, 2003 Iraq declares it has nothing to hide, and admits a French force of 3000 inspectors. Two-thousand,
nine-hundred and fifty-seven of them immediately find mistresses. The remainder uncover the bodies of Judge Crater and
Amelia Earhart, as well as the Holy Grail, an intact version of Orson Welles' "Magnificent Ambersons," and a different
version of Hillary Clinton's Rose Law Firm billing records. Sen. Chuck Hegel remarks that this proves "inspections are
working." He also says the same thing when he finds his house keys in his coat pocket, and when a homeless man asks for a
quarter.
January 2, 2004 The UN passes Resolution 9999, which lifts the sanctions on Iraq and demands that the US to withdraw all
troops in the area, or the UN will triple the number of diplomats stationed in New York. February 7, 2004: US withdrawal is
complete. February 8: Iraq expels the inspectors. February 9: The United States introduces a resolution that threatens Iraq
with military action if the inspectors are not readmitted in three months. August 9: The US begins to deploy troops in Kuwait.
December 12, 2004: Susan Sarandon, Al Sharpton, Congressman Dennis Kucinich and 400 other notables issues a press
release decrying "the rush to war."
02/13/03: We live in an age where the poet has been cast out from the halls of power --- sob, sob
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