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July 7th, 2022

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Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Argus Hamilton

By Argus Hamilton

Published Feb. 10, 2022

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report
Los Angeles police arrested a nun for stealing eight hundred grand from a school to feed her gambling habit. They busted her just when she had a hot angle on the Super Bowl. There are no Bengals referenced in the Bible but Rams are frequently mentioned and they always get slaughtered.

President Biden's pledge of racial equity was enacted this week, spending thirty million dollars to give drug addicts free crack pipes large enough to hold a half-gram of crack. Joe picked the perfect week to turn into Oprah. You get a super bowl and you get a super bowl, everybody gets a super bowl!

CBS Sports surveyed sports bookies and projected that a record thirty million Americans will wager eight billion dollars in the Super Bowl played next Sunday. This is as it should be. The whole purpose of Super Bowl week is to teach children there's more to life than televised poker tournaments.

The State Department issued an advisory this week recommending that Americans in Ukraine who aren't embassy staff immediately evacuate the country. The latest news from the continent has everybody headed for cover. Alec Baldwin just arrived in Europe and is due to start shooting soon.

French President Macron flew back and forth from Moscow to Kiev to try to prevent war from breaking out. My Hamilton Plan for preventing Russia from invading Ukraine is to change the name of their country to Afghanistan. And as a bonus, they get free American military equipment, too.

Warner Bros marks the 48th anniversary of Mel Brooks' Blazing Saddles Monday. It blew '70s racial humor wide open. What I love the most about Blazing Saddles today is you can't quote one line from the movie on Facebook without Facebook taking it down for violating community standards.

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Spotify pulled seventy old Joe Rogan podcasts from the platform Monday as more rock groups hopped on the Virtue Bandwagon. It begs parody. This whole Rogan thing will not have jumped the shark until Marlee Matlin threatens to pull all her song hits off Spotify unless Rogan is canceled.

David Crosby, Steven Stills, and Graham Nash joined Neil Young leaving Spotify Monday. In 1969, they left the Byrds, the Hollies and Buffalo Springfield to form Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young. After breaking up in the mid-70s the group re-united this week and formed the Pompous Know-It-Alls.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi ignited a firestorm when she addressed the cameras Friday and told the U.S. Olympic athletes in China to just be quiet and not to question the government. However, it turned to be an honest mix-up in her speech notes to the athletes. That was her welcome home speech.

ABC World News Tonight anchor Bill Weir during the Olympics is investigating the Foxconn factory located in China which manufactures over six thousand iPhones per day for Apple. I really hate those things. Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully-clothed person into a swimming pool.

Chinese American athletes playing for China highlights Chinese migration to the U.S. Three Chinese brothers Bu, Chu, and Fu moved to America and decided to change their names. Bu changed his name to Buck, Chu changed his name to Chuck and Fu, well, Fu moved back to China.

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