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Jewish World Review Feb. 4, 2019 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Chicago is forecast to have a high of twelve degrees below zero Wednesday amid a week of ice and snow and record low temperatures. Naturally, it has affected everybody's daily routines. During the entire week, Chicago has had no drive-by shootings because people won't roll down their windows.
• The Chicago Daily News said the Polar Vortex completely froze the Chicago River and turned Lake Michigan into a glacier last week. It's just crazy. Those male gender reassignment surgery candidates in the Midwest can run around outside naked today and save themselves a hundred grand.
• Mexican drug Lord El Chapo's trial went to the jury Friday in New York. The prosecution's closing argument was that El Chapo transported tons of cocaine into the U.S., reducing its street price seventy-five percent. Funny, that would've been the defense's closing argument in Los Angeles.
• Apple reported a slowdown in iPhone sales Tuesday, revealing that third quarter iPhone sales were eighty-four billion dollars, down fifteen percent from the last year. The phone's features are important lifestyle tools for you Millennials. Auto-Correct is your iPhone preparing you for marriage.
• Travel Weekly reported that the average U.S. business traveler spent one thousand dollars per business trip in the third quarter. This has generated a boom in the hotel industry. A friend of mine has to go to Chicago on business this weekend and he asked me what he should pack, and I said heat.
• Elizabeth Warren denounced Howard Schultz and Michael Bloomberg for throwing economic cold water on her plans to tax the rich more and tax their assets. The American Dream is at stake. It's true that money cannot buy happiness, but crying in a Rolls is a lot better than crying on a bicycle.
• Trump operative Roger Stone vowed to testify truthfully after his arrest Friday but he vowed to never turn on Trump. He's tough. Roger Stone is not afraid of going to prison because he knows having a forty-year-old tattoo of Richard Nixon on his back is a better protection from rape than mace.
Apple's new Face Time app was discovered by a 14-year-old boy Monday to be able to listen in on other people's private conversations through their phones. The company disabled the app the next day. As a result Apple could face a huge lawsuit in Germany for failing to pay royalties to the Gestapo.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2018, Argus Hamilton |
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