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Jewish World Review Feb. 12, 2013 / 2 Adar, 5773 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Condi Rice struck a spectator in the head with a tee shot at the Pebble Beach Pro-Am tournament Friday. The victim had concussion-like symptoms. President Obama heard about it and said he wasn't sure if he'd allow his son to be a spectator at a golf tournament.
President Obama will give his State of the Union speech to a joint session of Congress this evening. A president traditionally begins this speech by declaring that the state of the union is good. It's always best to open with a good joke to get the crowd on your side.
The Weather Channel aired footage of a massive snowstorm that buried the Eastern Seaboard last weekend. Governors have issued road travel warnings in New York, Massachsuetts and Pennsylvania. Even people without Toyotas are having trouble stopping.
Los Angeles had a freak hailstorm Friday which no one raised in Southern California had ever before seen in their lives. Residents of Malibu ran outside onto Pacific Coast Highway and danced in the street as the hail came down. They thought it was raining crack.
Governor Deval Patrick prepared for Friday's epic blizzard by issuing a travel ban on all roads in Massachusetts. Only police, hospital emergency workers and the media are allowed on the road. It's the same way the state used to observe Teddy Kennedy's birthday.
New York hosted runners from around the world for its race to the top of the Empire State Building Thursday. They didn't break any speed records this year. Due to stringent new testing, the runners had to stop every three floors to give a urine sample.
NASA scientists warned Friday that an asteroid will whiz past the Earth. The last major collision occurred eons ago and killed all the dinosaurs. We're about to come within seventeen thousand miles of finding out if white male Republicans can be turned into oil.
George W. Bush's family e-mails and photos were stolen by a computer hacker who's being tracked by the Secret Service. It wasn't too bad. The only sexually embarrassing photo was a snapshot of the elder President Bush on the front porch talking to Bill Clinton.
Leon Panetta stunned the Senate Thursday, admitting that President Obama was not present or in command during the entire Benghazi consulate attack last fall. This is serious. Barack Obama is just lucky he didn't stain anybody's blue dress or he could be impeached.
Toyota began paying off two billion dollars Friday to victims of sudden acceleration and brake problems. It was court-ordered. Regulators criticized Toyota officials for dragging their feet on this matter but that's because they were just trying to stop their cars.
CIA Director-designate John Brennan told his Senate confirmation hearing Thursday that he's opposed to waterboarding terrorists but he's completely in favor of drone strikes. You know how government bureaucrats are. When you kill somebody you're done with it, but torture produces information and that just makes more work for everybody.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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