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Jewish World Review Feb. 18, 2003 / 26 Shevat, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | John Daly won Sunday before a loving gallery at Torrey Pines. He admits he's a practicing alcoholic, chain smoker, gambling addict and overeater. John Daly gives Democrats hope that you don't have to cheat on your wife to have a good time.

The Mars Rover traveled eighty-eight feet Sunday. Scientists said the Rover spent way too much time checking out every rock for chemical content. You just mention the Vietnam War and next thing you know even robots are acting like hippies.

Forbes listed John Kerry's worth at over five hundred million thanks to his wife Teresa's fortune. She can't give more than two thousand dollars to his campaign. However, the law allows her to spend as much of her own money as she wishes on detectives.

John Kerry's former intern Alex Polier denied an affair with him Monday. The country was watching closely to see if he cheated on a wife worth five hundred million dollars. We're not giving the nuclear button to someone who's clearly insane.

Roger Williams College students offered a whites-only scholarship to protest affirmative action Monday. College students are the only people in America who complain about affirmative action. They don't yet have a job they can be fired from.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton