Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news ....

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show was held in New York Tuesday. The final round looked familiar. Just when things started to get tense, the French poodle and the German shepherd refused to do anything about the imminent threat of terriers.

The Academy Awards promised East Coast viewers on Tuesday the Oscar telecast on March 23rd will end by midnight. Don't bet on it. If Saddam Hussein wants the defense of Iraq to become a quagmire he should hire Whoopi Goldberg to host the war.

France blocked NATO from giving defensive aid to Turkey Monday and vowed to veto any Iraq war resolution. Their willingness to stand and fight is legendary. The French Army possesses the only tanks in the world equipped with back-up lights.

Osama bin Laden issued a sixteen minute message to the world on audiotape Tuesday. It incited violence worldwide. When he called for the killing of the unfaithful it was like telling every trophy wife in Houston to warm up the Mercedes.

Osama bin Laden denounced Saddam Hussein as an infidel in his audiotaped tirade Tuesday. However he urged all Muslims to join the Iraqi regime to bring America to its knees. He doesn't think the Homeland Security Department can do it alone.

Tom Ridge frightened the nation Monday with a bulletin advising Americans to stock up on food for war. He recommended using duct tape to seal homes against any chemical attack. Eternal vigilance is the price of twenty-four hour cable news.

John Kerry announced Tuesday his prostate cancer surgery won't stop him from running for president. Senator Bob Graham is making fundraising calls for his presidential campaign while he recuperates from heart surgery. The health care crisis is so bad that people are running for president just for the medical coverage.

Bill Clinton applauded President Bush's $15 billion program to stem the tide of AIDS in Africa. The world is officially upside down. The number-one golfer is black, the number-one rap star is white, and Bill Clinton is promoting safer sex.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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