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Jewish World Review Jan. 5, 2021 Rogue Report By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Welcome back for the conclusion of our annual Year in Jokes.
• NOVEMBER — The Wall Street Journal published an Election Day forecast predicting that the victory margin in Tuesday's presidential election would be razor-thin. I just found out that my uncle in Chicago, a lifelong Republican, voted Democrat yesterday. This would never have happened if he were still alive.
• President Trump is banking on a Wisconsin recount and fraudulent votes being subtracted in Pennsylvania, Nevada and Arizona to win. His electoral count has remained stalled since last Tuesday. I hate to say it, but it looks like the only way Trump can get to 270 is if he loses forty pounds.
• Joe Biden was called the winner by the AP thanks to the surge of mail-in votes which came in after Tuesday and flipped the Swing States from Trump to Biden. And that's not all. The Vatican might nominate Joe Biden for sainthood for raising millions of people from the dead on Election Day.
• President Trump was reported Friday refusing to give any security briefings to any team from an incoming Biden administration until Trump's legal challenges to the election have been exhausted. And it won't end there. Alec Baldwin is still refusing to concede the election to Jim Carrey.
• The Department of Transportation reported half the number of Americans will be flying off to meet with families for Thanksgiving as they did last year, the other half will be grudgingly staying home, as ordered. I still don't know what I'll be wearing to the living room on Thanksgiving. I might not go.
• President Trump opted not to return to Florida for Thanksgiving Thursday. My first trip back to Oklahoma for Thanksgiving was in 1978. I'd lived in L.A. for two years and it showed. While I was in the kitchen helping Mom prepare dinner, she noticed I was chopping the onions with a credit card.
• DECEMBER — The National Retail Federation dismissed consumer Covid fears and predicted a huge holiday shopping season between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Retailers are preparing. WalMart stores announced they will be closed on Christmas Day so that both cashiers can be home with their families.
• The House of Representatives passed a bill legalizing marijuana that may not pass the Senate but it indicated that federal marijuana laws will not be enforced against states that legalize pot. So today, marijuana is legal, but haircuts are not. It took fifty years but the Hippies have finally won.
• Pfizer's Covid vaccine was approved by a panel of experts on Thursday who recommended its FDA approval this week. The White House reminded everyone that four other Covid vaccines are nearing approval as well. I will probably go with whichever vaccine has the funniest Super Bowl ad.
• The Supreme Court was asked to throw out the ballots in Georgia, Michigan, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania. Their mail-in rules weren't legislature-approved as required. If the Supreme Court hears the case they may have to decide who won the presidential election, the Chinese or the Russians.
• Los Angeles restaurant owners were on the verge of mutiny Monday vowing to re-open. One restaurant in the West Valley offers you $50 if they can't provide you ANY food that you order, so I ordered elephant's testicles on toast, and they brought me a fifty-dollar bill. They'd run out of bread.
• The CDC told Americans to be careful holding holiday gatherings this month with the recent spike in infections, but one state went overboard. Oregon just banned all family get-togethers for Christmas. So if you're cooking anything in Oregon, it had better be meth, or you're breaking the law.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2020, Argus Hamilton |
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