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Jewish World Review Jan. 8, 2019 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
President Trump said his New Year's resolutions are the success, the prosperity and the health of our country. It's the kind of New Year's resolution we all make to link our desire to improve ourselves and as time flies on by I cannot believe it's been a year since I didn't become a better person.
• The U.S. Chamber of Commerce predicted a huge number of new businesses opening up in the next year due to the improved economy. I have decided to open a gym called Resolutions. It will be filled up with exercise equipment for the first two weeks, then it turns into a bar for the rest of the year.
• Prince Harry announced last week he has given up alcohol in solidarity with his pregnant wife Lady Meghan while they expect their first child. They're just starting up their family. Around the castle, he's called Prince and she's called Lady, so the question is, what will they name their dog?
• Capitol Hill came alive Friday as new lawmakers staged videos and made over-the-top threats for media attention. Three women walk into a bar-- a socialist Puerto Rican, a pretend Cherokee and a Muslim with Tourettes syndrome. Donald Trump then buys the bar so this never happens again.
• Freshman Muslim Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib called President Trump a mother-f***er in a speech Thursday. Her language drew fire from two factions. Tlaib was accused of promoting heterosexual images by the Gay Caucus, and the Black Caucus accused her of cultural appropriation.
• U.S. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez went on 60 Minutes, called for a seventy percent income tax and compared herself to Lincoln. An old tape came up of her dancing on a bar table in college. A lot of table dancers compare themselves to Lincoln with all five-dollar bills that get stuffed in their pants.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2018, Argus Hamilton |
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