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Jewish World Review Jan. 19, 2016 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• The GOP presidential candidates held a debate in Charleston Thursday that was well-reviewed by even critics. The party can feel its growing strength. The night before, there was a Powerball Lottery drawing for a one and a half billion dollar jackpot and today there are three new Republicans.
• The Powerball Lottery jackpot winners in California and Tennessee and Florida were tracked down and identified by the media over the weekend. The billion and a half dollars was split three ways. Each winner received five hundred and thirty million dollars and a hundred-fifty new relatives.
• The Powerball jackpot reached a billion and a half dollars before Wednesday's drawing when the winning numbers were drawn. One hundred million Americans who purchased Powerball tickets and lost let out a huge sigh of relief on Friday. That's money they could have put in the stock market.
• Ted Cruz ripped Donald Trump for having New York values Thursday but then paid for it. His wife works for Goldman Sachs but didn't mind the insult. Like any New Yorker she knew Ted would set up Trump with that line and then get crushed with a 9-11 response, so she sold him short Tuesday.
• Rio de Janeiro newspapers reported that Brazilian officials have found an old man who has proof that he is one hundred and thirty-one years old. This would make him the oldest man who ever lived. After the announcement, the first call he got was from Jerry Hall asking if he has money.
• Wall Street fell again Friday on news of poor retail sales in December, crashing oil prices, and hundreds of WalMarts closing down. There's one economic upside. If President Obama can leave the country in the same shape it was when he moved into the White House, he gets to keep the deposit.
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North Korean dictator Kim Jung Un celebrated his birthday Tuesday by setting off a nuclear device and announcing it was a hydrogen bomb. No one around Kim dared disagree. Say what you will about Kim Jung Un, but his way of firing people is a lot more exciting than Donald Trump's.
• Wall Street's slide was led by oil prices hitting an eight-year low of thirty-four dollars a barrel. The oil business has always been chicken-one-day-feathers-the-next. Oilmen who rode around in limos six months ago are now scratching off their lottery tickets before they leave the store.
• India security forces shot and killed all five Islamic radical terrorists who attacked an air force base in India. They were age sixteen, eighteen, twenty, twenty-one and twenty-two. Americans saw the news and realized they only need one more number for next week's Powerball lottery drawing.
• NBC sent news crews to the street to ask Americans what they'd do if they won the Powerball lottery. Answers vary. If you ask a hundred people in Los Angeles what they'd do if they won the Powerball lottery jackpot, ninety-nine would say they'd go back to Mexico and re-enter the U.S. legally.
• The Wall Street Journal published a study of online dating services and found that two million Americans are married because of someone they met online. That's the good news. The bad news is, they also found that four million Americans are divorced because of someone they met online.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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