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Jewish World Review Jan. 24, 2014 / 23 Shevat, 5774 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• The Postal Service announced a two-cent increase for the price of a postage stamp that will go into effect Sunday. They've certainly earned it. The Postal Service reported it lost five billion dollars last year, making it by far the most profitable branch of the U.S. government.
• Ken Burns will cover the life of Franklin Roosevelt in his next PBS documentary. FDR drank eight to ten martinis a day, smoked, kept two mistresses, and he defeated Hitler from a wheelchair. Ken Burns specializes in documentaries about America's greatest athletes.
• President Obama told the New Yorker he thinks marijuana is not as dangerous a drug as alcohol. It's an article of faith among Baby Boomers. If everyone smoked a joint at the same time, we'd have world peace for about five minutes, followed by a global food shortage.
• French president Francois Hollande is coming to the White House with a new girlfriend next month. He left his common-law wife for a journalist, now he's leaving the journalist for an actress. At the White House official state dinner, he will receive the John F. Kennedy Award.
• Sotheby's of Hong Kong auction house sold a special decanter of Macallen Scotch to the highest bidder Tuesday for six hundred and twenty-eight thousand dollars. It's the most ever for a single malt Scotch whiskey. It's normally in a larger container, the mayor of Toronto.
• The Denver Broncos are favored over the Seattle Seahawks in the Super Bowl. We will see the NFL's flashiest offense go up against the NFL's most dangerous defense. Last year five NFL receivers refused to run a corner route against Seattle because it was a Crips corner.
• Baghdad reports that al-Qaeda forces captured the city of Ramadi after taking Fallujah last week and kept advancing. For two years, the Obama administration has insisted that al-Qaeda's on the run, and they are. Ever ten seconds they're a hundred yards closer to Sochi.
• Texas governor hopeful Wendy Davis lied about putting herself through Harvard Law when actually her husband paid for it. The day she graduated she divorced him, left him the kids, and now she expects Texans to elect her governor. In the latest poll she's trailing Bob Stoops.
• The University of Oklahoma locked down Wednesday after shots on a South Oval classroom were reported. They were shots of Crown Royal. The campus clock had just struck noon Wednesday, signaling students at the notorious party school they were over the hump, but Sooners being Sooners, some of the students jumped the gun and began partying at 11:55.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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