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Jewish World Review Jan. 20, 2014 / 19 Shevat, 5774 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• The NFL revealed the Super Bowl will be guarded by four thousand federal and local cops . Everyone entering the stadium must pass through a facial scanner that identifies known and suspected criminals. We will be lucky if we end up with two teams out on the field.
• NBC began promoting Jimmy Fallon's debut as the Tonight Show host next month. The network gave Jay Leno fifteen million not to host the show after they gave Conan thirty million not to host the show. It appears that America's farm policy has come to show business.
• American Hustle was the favorite to win the Oscar for Best Picture over Twelve Years a Slave. Put yourself in the mind of the Academy member. Shaming America over race is a great movie theme and usually wins the Oscar, but Baby Boomers were only young once.
• Justin Bieber's home was swarmed by cops after neighbors reported he and his friends threw eggs at their house. The cops found Bieber's house was full of coked up, hung-over, egg-throwing low-lifes. When he moves, the house will be made into a Denny's for continuity.
• The Senate and House agreed on a trillion dollar U.S. budget Tuesday. Many Democrats stood on the floor of Congress and demanded a surtax on Wall Street bonuses but they were shouted down. It's the kind of punitive tax that could drive our best people out of fraud.
• Michelle Obama told a college cost summit she felt out of place when she first attended at Princeton until she hung out at the campus Third World Center and student union. Now it's all clear. That explains why her classmates voted her Most Likely to Marry a Kenyan.
• The Weather Channel reported Los Angeles had its driest year in history last year. To help prevent fires, the city put goats in the Hollywood Hills to graze and eat the brush. It proves that seasons come and seasons go, but Jack Nicholson will always work in this town.
• The British Journal of Psychiatry reported stand-up comedians have personality types linked to psychosis and mental illness. You can see it in our eyes. In what other profession do you get to kill a crowd every night without splitting the nation over the issue of gun rights?
• The White House got bad news that Millennials are not signing up for Obamacare. They are covered by their parents' plan under Obamacare, they're never sick and don't need health insurance, and they have no jobs to pay the premiums, so now all premiums will rise. Obamacare's the first government idea in forty years that makes Vietnam look well thought-out.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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