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Jewish World Review Jan. 10, 2014 / 9 Shevat, 5774 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
• The Golden Globes will air live from the Beverly Hilton Sunday on NBC. The ratings are always huge. Once a year, forty million Americans tune in to see what happens when you put Mel Gibson in a room with an open bar, a microphone and a roomful of Jews.
• Robert Gates wrote a tell-all memoir about life in the Obama White House. The book allows Americans to listen in and spy on the president's private words. It's the most refreshing example of turnabout-is-fair-play since the dogs ate Uncle Jang in North Korea.
• North Korea hosted a basketball game featuring Dennis Rodman and one-time NBA players Wednesday. They'll return with a new appreciation for liberty. The NBA players couldn't believe they were in a nation where they were free from child support payments.
• Dennis Rodman went on an incoherent rant at a press conference in North Korea Tuesday while professing his friendship for dictator Kim Jung Un. No one understood a word he said. It proved that the North Koreans can make alcohol out of crickets and dirt.
• Dennis Rodman stood at a gym microphone before Wednesday's basketball game in North Korea and sang Happy Birthday to his pal Kim Jung Un. The dictator was all smiles during the serenade. Dennis Rodman is like the uncle Kim Jung Un never executed.
• NSA leaker Edward Snowden asked for asylum in Brazil Friday while he sought whistleblower protection in the U.S. so he can return home. You cannot prosecute people for embarrassing the United States. If that were true Joe Biden would be serving life in prison.
• Robert Gates wrote in his memoir that Joe Biden's been wrong about every major foreign policy issue for forty years. He listed how the vice president has been wrong about everything. The question is, when is Bob Gates going to realize that funny isn't free?
• Minnesota's Chamber of Commerce downplayed the cold snap Monday and invited businesses to move there. They are a hearty breed. The highway sign at the state border asks you to come to Minnesota for the refined culture, and stay because your car won't start.
• Francis Scott Key's Star Spangled Banner manuscript he wrote during the siege of Ft. McHenry is at the Smithsonian. In the 1814 battle, the Americans halted the British Navy's slave-freeing expedition up the Chesapeake. The song's a hymn to full employment.
• Golf Digest reports that Tiger Woods made eighty-six million dollars last year in prize money and endorsements. Revenue's been down a little. Gatorade officially ended its relationship with Tiger when they found out that he is seeing five other sports drinks
• Florida Congressman Trey Radel returned from rehab and apologized to the GOP caucus for getting busted for cocaine two months ago. His future is iffy. His House district is in South Florida so it's a toss-up whether he's gained or lost votes by giving up cocaine.
• President Obama invited unemployed people to the White House Tuesday to discuss job interviewing tips. That's wise. You know you've been unemployed too long when the interviewer takes a phone call and you get busted watching porn on your smart phone.
• Britain's Department of Work and Pensions offered incentives to porn producers to hire workers for jobs behind the camera. Great idea. A sure way to reduce porn is to hire people off the street to oversee the combination of naked people and electrical cables.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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